Grief is Just Love With No Place to Go

I felt anger in those last few years of my mother’s life. I blamed her for all my problems. Basically, I disowned her. When she passed away, the grief hit me like a ton of bricks. How could I treat my mother like that?

It wasn’t her fault that she passed on the genes of mental illness to me. I know grief is a natural emotion, but mine accompanied anger towards myself with it. I had to deal with grief and the sadness that I didn’t make amends with her before she passed.

So what is grief meaning? Grief is the deep sadness or emotional pain we feel after a loss, like the passing of a loved one. But it can also come from other big changes, like the end of a relationship or losing a job.

“Grief never ends… But it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith… It is the price of love.” – Unknown

Symptoms of grief

Grief can manifest in a variety of ways, and its symptoms often affect people emotionally, physically, mentally, and socially. Here are some common symptoms of grief:

Emotional Symptoms

Sadness and despair: Overwhelming feelings of sorrow or hopelessness.
Anger or irritability: Frustration or resentment, sometimes directed at others or the situation.
Guilt: Regret over things said or unsaid, or feeling responsible for the loss.
Anxiety: Worry about the future or fear of being alone.
Numbness: A sense of emotional detachment or feeling “empty.”
Yearning: A deep longing for the person or thing that was lost.

Physical Symptoms

Fatigue: Feeling physically drained or exhausted.
Sleep disturbances: Insomnia, oversleeping, or disrupted sleep patterns.
Appetite changes: Loss of appetite or overeating.
Aches and pains: Headaches, stomachaches, or other physical discomforts.
Weakened immune system: Increased susceptibility to illness.

Types of loss

Loss of a parent

You know this day is inevitable, like most losses of family. But you try not to think of the day when it comes. They brought you into this world, and they will be exiting this world when the time comes.

You never want to think about that day, so you push it to the back of your mind. Then, they start to decline physically and cognitively. You know the end of life is coming soon, but you just can’t bear to think about it.

When they pass away, the grief is immeasurable. All these emotions flow through you-anger, fear and anxiety, guilt, and sadness and sorrow – just to name a few. They say time heals a broken heart, I believe that is true in most cases.

Depression after loss of pet

A pet is part of the family, so losing a pet can bring you grief and depression. It took me two years to come to terms with losing my last cat. I went into a depression, because I missed him so much.

I didn’t take care of him like I should have, because of my mental status. So, I was in and out of the hospital. I believe that affected him. So this is where the guilt comes into play after his passing.

If you have a pet, show them lots of love and attention. I loved my cat very much, I just had a hard time showing it. Towards the end, I did make sure he knew it by spoiling him rotten and spending every waking hour with him.

Grieving the loss of a child

A parent losing a child is the ultimate heartbreak. It’s like cutting off your right leg. The child is supposed to outlive the parent. The amount of grief is immeasurable. Therefore, you begin asking God why?

I had a miscarriage when I was married to my first husband. We were fighting a lot back then. I didn’t even know I was pregnant. My memory is sketchy because of the ECT.

I still grieved for the baby that was growing inside me. I often wonder what they would look like now and what their personality would be like.

Losing a friend to death

I’ve never lost a friend to death, but I made friends with someone who lost her best friend. I don’t think she ever got over it. She never talked much about her. I lost contact with her, so I don’t know how she’s doing nowadays.

Losing a friend is like losing a family member. You may never really get over it. For those who have made peace with it, they will always have the memories with them. The special times will last forever.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.” – Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Grief and loss theory

Kübler-Ross Model (Five Stages of Grief)

Developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, this is one of the most widely recognized grief theories. It outlines five stages that people may go through when grieving:

Firstly, Denial: Refusing to accept the reality of the loss.
Anger: Feeling frustration, resentment, or anger about the loss.
Bargaining: Trying to negotiate or make deals to reverse or lessen the loss.
Depression: Experiencing deep sadness, despair, or hopelessness.
Lastly, Acceptance: Coming to terms with the loss and finding a way to move forward.

It’s important to note that these stages are not linear, and not everyone experiences all of them.

Worden’s Four Tasks of Mourning

J. William Worden proposed that grieving involves completing four tasks to adapt to the loss:

Accept the reality of the loss: Firstly, realizing that the person is gone and won’t return.
Process the pain of grief: Allowing oneself to feel and work through the emotional pain.
Adjust to a world without the deceased: Adapting to life and roles in the absence of the loved one.
Find an enduring connection while moving forward: Maintaining a bond with the deceased while continuing to live life.

Dual Process Model of Grief

Developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, this model emphasizes the dynamic nature of grief, where individuals oscillate between two types of coping:

Loss-oriented coping: Firstly, focusing on the pain, sadness, and emotions related to the loss.
Restoration-oriented coping: Focusing on adjusting to life, taking on new roles, and finding ways to move forward.

This model highlights the importance of balancing these two processes rather than being stuck in one.

Continuing Bonds Theory

This theory challenges the idea that grief requires “letting go” of the deceased. Instead, it suggests that maintaining a connection or bond with the deceased (e.g., through memories, rituals, or symbolic acts) can be a healthy and adaptive way to cope with loss.

Attachment Theory and Grief

Based on the work of John Bowlby, this theory explains grief as a natural response to the disruption of an attachment bond. The intensity of grief often reflects the strength of the attachment to the deceased. Bowlby identified phases of grief, including:

Numbness or shock
Yearning and searching
Disorganization and despair
Reorganization and recovery

Meaning-Making Model

Proposed by Robert Neimeyer, this theory focuses on the idea that grief involves making sense of the loss and reconstructing meaning in life. Furthermore, people may find meaning through storytelling, rituals, or finding purpose in the legacy of the deceased.

The Six Rs of Mourning

Therapist Therese Rando outlined six processes of mourning:

Recognize the loss: Firstly, acknowledge the reality of the loss.
React to the separation: Feel and express the emotions tied to the loss.
Recollect and re-experience: Reflect on memories of the deceased.
Relinquish old attachments: Let go of the past and what can no longer be.
Readjust: Adapt to a new reality without the deceased.
Reinvest: Lastly, redirect energy into new relationships, goals, or activities.

Track Model of Bereavement

Developed by Simon Rubin, this model suggests that grief involves two parallel processes:

Track 1: The individual’s functioning and adjustment to life after the loss.
Track 2: The ongoing relationship with the deceased, including memories and emotional connections.

“Sometimes the only way to take a deep breath is to first feel the pain of losing it.” – Anonymous

What does grief feel like?

Sometimes it feels like an emptiness that will always be with you. So, you don’t know how to fill that emptiness. Sometimes, you can’t fill that void in your life, and you move aimlessly through life.

Yet for others, they go through the grieving process and after time are able to move on with their lives. They haven’t forgotten them, but they can move on. Being able to move on takes a lot of strength on their part.

I believe with my mother, I have put it all in the past. Circumstances happened, but it is done, and I’ve moved on with my life. I don’t harbor any animosity towards her. Although, I miss all the good times we did have together.

How long does grief last?

Grief doesn’t have a set timeline—it’s a deeply personal process that varies from person to person. In general, the duration of grief depends on factors like the nature of the loss, the individual’s personality, their coping mechanisms, and the support they receive. Here’s a breakdown of what to expect:

Acute Grief

Timeframe: Days to months after the loss.

This is the initial and intense phase of grief, where emotions like sadness, shock, anger, and disbelief can feel overwhelming. It’s completely normal to feel consumed by the loss during this time and find it hard to focus on daily life.

Integrated Grief

Timeframe: Months to years.

Over time, grief softens and becomes a part of daily life. The pain doesn’t completely go away, but it gets easier to handle. People start to adjust to life without their loved one, finding meaningful ways to remember them while continuing to move forward.

Prolonged or Complicated Grief

Timeframe: Beyond 6-12 months (or longer).

For some people, grief can feel overwhelming and last a long time, making it hard to get through daily life. This is often called prolonged grief disorder or complicated grief. You might experience things like a deep longing for the person you lost, struggling to accept what happened, or feeling stuck in your sadness. If this sounds familiar, don’t hesitate to reach out—professional support, like therapy, can make a big difference.

Factors That Influence the Duration of Grief

Relationship to the Deceased: Losing a spouse, child, or parent often results in longer and more intense grief.
Circumstances of the Loss: Sudden or traumatic losses can prolong the grieving process.
Support System: Having a strong network of friends, family, or a therapist can help ease the journey.
Personal Coping Style: Some people process emotions more quickly, while others take longer to work through their feelings.
Cultural and Religious Beliefs: Rituals, traditions, and spiritual practices can influence how grief is expressed and processed.

“Grief can destroy you – or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, or you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time.” – Dean Koontz

How to cope with death

Losing a loved one is one of the hardest things we go through in life. There’s no “right” way to grieve, but there are things you can do to help navigate the pain and start healing. Here are a few ways to cope with loss:

Allow Yourself to Grieve

Acknowledge your feelings

It’s completely okay to feel sad, angry, guilty, or even relieved after a loss. Grief is a personal and natural response to losing someone or something important to you. Basically, these emotions can come and go like waves, and there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time and space you need to process these feelings in your own way.

Don’t suppress emotions

It’s okay to cry—let those tears flow and don’t hold back. Give yourself the space to feel what you’re feeling. Talk it out with someone you trust, whether that’s a friend, family member, or therapist. Or, express your feelings in a way that works for you—maybe through writing, creating art, or just taking a quiet moment to reflect.

Be patient with yourself

Grief takes time, and there’s no set timeline for healing. Everyone deals with loss in their own way, so be kind to yourself as you work through the emotions. Some days will feel a little easier, and others might be tougher—that’s okay. It’s all part of the process of finding your way toward healing.

Honor and Remember Your Loved One

Create rituals

Accordingly, light a candle in their honor, and visit their favorite spot to feel closer to them. Also gather with family and friends for a memorial to share stories and celebrate the wonderful moments you shared together.

Keep their memory alive

Share heartfelt stories about your favorite moments, and flip through old photos to relive those special memories. Also, get creative and make a scrapbook or memory box filled with meaningful keepsakes and treasures.

Find meaning

Give your time to help a local organization, donate to a charity they cared about. Also, take on a cause that was important to them. It’s a heartfelt way to honor their legacy and make a difference.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel Joy

Embrace moments of happiness

It’s okay to laugh, smile, and enjoy life again after losing someone you love. Finding little moments of joy doesn’t mean you’re forgetting them or the memories you shared—it’s just part of healing. It’s a way to honor their memory while still living your own life. They’ll always have a special place in your heart, even as you keep moving forward.Engage in activities you love

Practice Mindfulness and Reflection

Stay present

Take it one day at a time—it’s the best way to avoid feeling overwhelmed by what’s ahead. When you focus on what you can do today, it’s easier to stay present and tackle challenges little by little. This simple approach can help ease anxiety and keep you grounded, making even the hardest days feel a bit more doable.

Meditate or pray

Mindfulness practices like meditation, yoga, or deep breathing can bring comfort and peace. They help you connect with yourself and stay in the moment. They’re great for relaxing, reducing stress, and finding emotional balance—perfect tools to help you handle whatever life throws your way.

Understand that Grief Comes in Waves

Expect ups and downs

At length, grief isn’t a straight path, and the healing process often comes with its ups and downs. Emotions can pop up out of nowhere, triggered by memories, anniversaries, or special moments that mean a lot to us. These times can bring a wave of feelings, reminding us of the love we hold and the loss we’ve experienced, even as life keeps moving forward.

Be kind to yourself

It’s totally normal to have good days and bad days, especially when you’re dealing with something tough. Healing takes time, patience, and a lot of kindness toward yourself. Some days will feel easier, and others might be harder, but every little step forward is still progress—no matter how small!

Seek Meaning and Purpose

Reflect on your loved one’s impact

At any rate, think about the lessons they taught you, the wisdom they shared, or those unforgettable moments of joy and laughter they brought into your life. Remember how they shaped the way you see things, brightened your days, and left a meaningful mark on your journey.

Focus on your values

Take this experience as a chance to think about what really matters to you. Reflect on your values, priorities, and long-term goals. At the same time, think about how this lines up with the life you want to create and what steps you can take to move forward in a way that feels more meaningful and fulfilling.

“Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed.” – David Kessler

Sum it all up

Grief is a natural response when dealing with the loss of someone. You never truly realize how precious life is until one day they are gone. You try to move on with life the best way you know how to.

Some people never fully return to their former self. There is a void that can’t be filled. They just can’t deal with the emptiness they feel. With the passing on with my pets, time eventually healed me. Although, that doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten them.

Same goes for family members. I will never forget them as long as I live. And I believe time heals almost everything. Peace and love. Until next time…

Articles about grief

Grief and loss

Understanding Grief and Loss: An Overview

Complicated grief

Coping with Grief and Loss

Have a Good One,

Cindee Murphy
“One voice getting over grief”

Grief and Anxiety: Excessive Worrying About Losing a Loved One(Opens in a new browser tab)

Every Tear Tells a Story: The Deeper Meaning of Grieving(Opens in a new browser tab)

How We Feel vs. How We Heal—Mourning vs Grief(Opens in a new browser tab)

Anxiety And Intrusive Thoughts(Opens in a new browser tab)

Lost Yourself Lately? These Could Be Depression Symptoms(Opens in a new browser tab)