Resentment grows because, at some level, you just can’t stand the person. It might be the way they speak to you, the way they act, or the way they keep crossing lines that matter. Sometimes people say it’s only irritation, and maybe at first that’s true. But when those moments pile up, that irritation hardens into something heavier. Bit by bit, bitterness starts to fill your mind, and it’s hard to think about anything else.
My anger stems from bullying when I was young all throughout school. To this day, I don’t like being around children. They make me very uncomfortable. My resentment happens when they act up. I know they’re only a child, but it still triggers me. And when it happens in public, my anxiety gets so much worse.
Now, mind you, this isn’t even my child (I don’t have any). When they act out, it draws attention, and that makes me nervous. I know, just walk away. I do, and my nerves calm down.
The walls go up around the heart to protect it from harm. Sometimes that protection is built from resentment, layer by layer, after too many wounds were left to sting on their own. It may feel cold, but it’s often the heart’s way of saying, I’ve been hurt before, and I can’t carry that pain again.
“Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others– it only changes yours.”― Shannon Alder
Resentful Meaning
A resentful person carries a deep, lingering mix of bitterness, anger, and hurt, often returning to old wounds or moments that felt unfair. Because those feelings stay close to the surface, they may hold grudges, feel wronged, and struggle with envy. Over time, this can push them to pull away from others, act out in quiet, indirect ways, or cling to thoughts of payback.
I often struggle with the payback thoughts. I just want all the bullies in my class to know how my life turned in a direction that I didn’t intend. For years I spent hiding from society because I didn’t want to be rediculed. I didn’t want to be laughed at. It really screwed me up mentally because of the humiliation day in and day out.
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Symptoms of Resentment
Some of the clearest signs are passive-aggressive behavior, constant criticism, less intimacy, emotional distance, and complaining about your partner to other people. Over time, it can start to feel like a tit-for-tat pattern, with the same arguments coming back again and again, never really getting resolved.
Behavioral Signs of Resentment
- Passive-Aggressive Actions: Using sarcasm, backhanded compliments, silent treatment, or “forgetting” to do things.
- Withdrawal and Distance: Creating physical or emotional distance, such as avoiding conversation or spending less time together.
- Constant Criticism and Contempt: Frequently nitpicking, eye-rolling, sighing, or focusing only on negative traits.
- Keeping Score: Comparing efforts in the relationship and harboring bitterness over who does more.
Emotional and Verbal Signs
- “Always” and “Never” Statements: Using sweeping generalizations to voice complaints, indicating a focus on what is wrong rather than solving it.
- Unusual Stubbornness or Sullenness: Becoming hard to reach, cold, or uncommunicative.
- Complaining to Others: Venting excessively to friends or family instead of addressing the issue with the person involved.
Stages of Resentment
I’ve seen how resentment rarely shows up all at once. It often begins as a small sting, a quiet sense of hurt or unfairness. Then, if it goes untended, it hardens into anger, ongoing frustration, and passive-aggressive behavior. Over time, that resentment can turn into a heavy, toxic emotional state, one that slowly breaks trust and damages relationships, until it ends in either emotional distance or a painful outburst.
Key Stages of Resentment
- Stage 1: The Initial Hurt/Perceived Injustice: The process begins when someone acts in a way that violates your trust, ignores your needs, or treats you unfairly. This is often accompanied by a feeling of being disempowered.
- Stage 2: Turning Hurt into Anger: To avoid feeling vulnerable, you shift from sadness or disappointment to anger, which feels more empowering. You may start to ruminate on the unfairness of the situation.
- Stage 3: Accumulation and Silence: Instead of directly addressing the anger, you bury it, hoping it will disappear. Minor grievances accumulate, and you become “over-givers” or people-pleasers, causing burnout.
- Stage 4: Passive-Aggression and Distance: Resentment manifests outwardly through subtle, toxic behavior. This includes sarcasm, backhanded compliments, eye-rolling, and avoiding the person involved.
- Stage 5: Emotional Detachment or Explosion: The final stage is often a complete withdrawal of affection and emotional intimacy, or a major conflict where the bottled-up feelings “explode”.
Self-Resentment Meaning
Self-resentment can happen also. It is the bitterness, anger, or deep regret directed at oneself. It involves constantly re-experiencing negative emotions, leading to low self-esteem, self-criticism, and a persistent belief that one is not “good enough”.
When you feel like you’re not “good enough,” that sends you into a spiral of self-criticism. The negative chatter in your head just won’t go away. For me, it never went away. When I’m really anxious, that negative voice chimes in. I hear how I never amounted to anything (not true), and that I’m going nowhere in life.
The bitter voice is about all the things you didn’t accomplish and never will. It’s like a devil’s advocate. But don’t pay attention to that, you have accomplished a lot, and will go on to do more. Self-resentment settled in because of no compassion for yourself. You were made to make mistakes, and will continue to do so. That doesn’t mean you’re not a good person.
Contempt vs Resentment
Resentment feels bitter and angry. It usually grows from a sense of being wronged, and it often gets aimed at someone who seems to hold more power or status.
Contempt goes further. It carries disgust along with a sense of superiority, as if the other person is beneath care or respect. And while resentment can slowly wear a relationship down, contempt is the clearest sign that the relationship may not survive.
Key Differences:
- Nature of Emotion: Resentment is a feeling of accumulated, unresolved anger or unfairness. Contempt is a cold, hateful, and mocking disdain.
- Perceived Status: Resentment usually targets someone you feel is treating you unfairly (often a superior or equal). Contempt is “looking down” on someone deemed inferior or below you.
- Progression: Resentment typically precedes contempt; it is the “long chain” of anger that eventually turns into hatred.
When They Occur:
- Resentment: Common when a person feels taken advantage of or that their boundaries are violated.
- Contempt: Occurs when one partner sees the other as inherently flawed, ignorant, or immoral rather than just having a behavior problem.
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Is Resentment the Same as Hate?
Resentment and hate are related, but they are not the same. Resentment is a lasting feeling of hurt, bitterness, or anger, usually because you feel wronged. Hate is a stronger feeling of intense dislike or hostility toward someone or something. Think of it this way: Resentment often says, “I still feel hurt by what happened.” Hate often says, “I strongly dislike this person or thing.”
If resentment builds over time and is never addressed, it can harden into hate. But resentment can also stay as bitterness without becoming full hate. In my case, it turned to hate against the bullies back in school. Constantly being picked on and yelled at up until I graduated was enough to turn to hate.
I recently did a post on forgiving. I won’t forgive the bullies because they accosted me at every turn all throughout school. Yet, I know you’re an adult now, get over it! All those bad feelings stayed with me and are still there today. I could talk about it till I’m blue in the face, and it wouldn’t change how I feel.
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ”
― Carrie Fisher
How to Overcome Resentment
Letting go of resentments isn’t the easiest thing to do. There is a lot of bitterness and anger towards the other person. You have to be willing to forgive their actions or behaviors. On the other hand, you could just ignore them. Here are some strategies to try:
Tapping for Anger and Resentment
With the help of Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), people can work to clear anger from the root cause, until they no longer feel triggered and are able to consistently feel calm and peaceful.
EFT is a method that offers healing from physical and emotional pain. Without the use of needles, this form of acupuncture uses the fingertips to stimulate energy points on the body.
Before beginning the main process of EFT Tapping, take a few moments and answer the following questions. It would be preferable if you can write your answers down.
- What makes you angry?
- Who makes you angry?
- What do you get angry about?
- What do you wish you could get angrier about?
- What do you wish you could get less angry about?
After having introspected on these questions, use the following steps:
Step 1
Take A Quick Check
Pick one of the examples and make a note of:
- What, or who, makes you angry?
- Where in the body do you feel it?
- What number is it at, on a scale of 1 to 10?
- How does it make you feel?
Step 2
Start Tapping On The Side Of Your Hand
Start tapping on the side of the hand by saying:
“Even though I get angry about __________ and I feel it in my ___________ and it’s at a number _______ and it makes me feel _______, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”
Repeat the statement 3 times.
Step 3
Start Tapping On The Facial And Upper Body EFT Tapping Points:
- Eyebrow: I get angry about __________
- Side of Eye/Temple: I feel it in my ___________
- Under Eye: It’s at a number _______
- Under Nose: It makes me feel _______
- Chin: It’s in my ________ at a number _____
- Collarbone: It makes me feel_________
- Under the arm: So ____________
- Thumb: So ________________
- Index Finger: Angry because___________
- Middle Finger: I feel it in my ______________
- Little Finger: So_______________
Step 4
Complete The Sequence By Tapping On The Karate Chop
Close the sequence by tapping on the side of the hand:
“Even though I get angry about __________ and I feel it in my ___________ and it’s at a number _______ and it makes me feel _______, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”
Do this once.
Step 5
breathe and relax
Take a gentle breath in and out, and have a sip of water.
Step 6
Ask Yourself
Ask yourself,
“What number is the anger at?”
If reduced to a level you feel happy with, you can stop. If you would like it to come down further, move to step 7.
Step 7
Test Yourself
Ask yourself the following:
- What is left about the anger? (Get angry because…)
- Where in the body do you feel it?
- What number is it at, on a scale of 1 to 10?
- How does it make you feel?
Step 8
Repeat
Repeat steps 2-6 till the charge on what made you angry comes down.
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Guided Meditation, Letting Go of Resentment
To meditate and clear resentment, sit somewhere comfortable and bring your attention to slow, deep breaths. Then notice what you’re feeling without judging it, picture the resentment as something heavy you can finally set down, soften any tight places in your body with each inhale, and let gratitude gently steady your heart.
Steps for Releasing Resentment Meditation
- Establish Grounding: Find a quiet space, sit comfortably with a straight back, and take deep, slow breaths, allowing your body to relax.
- Observe Without Judgment: Bring to mind the situation or person causing resentment, but act as an impartial observer, watching the scene like a movie rather than reliving it.
- Scan the Body: Notice areas of tension (tight chest, clenched jaw) caused by the resentment and consciously breathe into those areas to encourage release.
- Use Visualizations & Affirmations: Imagine the resentment as heavy, tangible items—like rocks in a bag—and visualize yourself setting them down. Alternatively, repeat phrases such as “I’m choosing to let go” or “I am letting go of this burden,” say many users on Reddit.
Key Techniques
Consistency: Healing resentment takes time; repeat this practice whenever the emotion arises.
Metta (Loving-Kindness): Actively direct compassion toward yourself and the person you resent to soften your feelings, a common approach mentioned in this article from Lion’s Roar.
Breath Awareness: If emotions become overwhelming, return to focusing purely on the breath to calm the central nervous system.
“As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff is bad for you.”― Elizabeth Gilbert
Conclusion
Resentment can leave you feeling bitter and angry toward someone who acts in an obnoxious way. You can avoid that person, but that may only work for a certain amount of time, especially if your around them a lot. So, what do you do about it?
You could try EFT (tapping), or guided meditation. I like guided meditation because it calms not only the mind, but also the body. At bedtime, I listen to the CD when I need to calm down before sleep.
If you resent a person, don’t give them that power over you. They probably don’t even know why you’re bitter at them anyway. I know some people can really get under your skin, but when you hold on to that anger and let it take over, it only hurts you, not them.
Cindee Murphy
“One voice whose resentment to bullies is justified.”
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