I’m going to write this post freestyle. There is no real structure to it, just observation from the heart. It deals with a mixture of anxiety and bipolar disorders.
I am writing this because I can feel myself sinking into a depression. All I want to do is sleep, but my anxiety has increased. I’ve noticed this in the past month or so. I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning because I’d rather sleep all day. I don’t even have any interest in writing my blog. I’m writing in it now, so if I call it out, maybe my situation will get better. This sounds disgusting, I went from a person taking a shower everyday to not taking one in the past week.
I just feel like laying it all out on the table. I’ve lost interest…basically in life. I hardly eat anymore, not because I’m not hungry, I’ve just lost interest. I mean, how can you loose interest in that? When I do eat, I have to force myself. If life is going to be like this, I don’t want any part of it. I’m not saying I’d hurt myself. I know what’s happening, but right now, at this moment, I feel powerless to stop it. It feels like the situation went from bad to worse very quickly. I noticed the change from being in hyper mode because I was spending more money than usual this past month on shit that I didn’t need (or really could afford). I acknowledged it but didn’t do anything about it. Now, like I said earlier, I would rather sleep all day.
I don’t understand what changed! I was fine and then all of a sudden, I wasn’t. Enough of this, I just called my doctor to go back on the Lithium that she took me off of back in March of this year. I have a feeling that once I go back on it, I’ll be fine. Right now, I’m trying to be proactive and not let it get any worse. All the signs are there, for example, buying things when I’m on a high. As I’m typing this now, I am in depression mode and I apologize, I’m having trouble forming my thoughts.
I just got back from seeing my therapist and I told her what was going on. She thought that going back on the Lithium was a good idea. Also, she suggested I try natural herbs to help combat the anxiety. I ordered some magnesium through TikToc and see if that works for the anxiety. How do I explain this? Ok, I have this grandiose feeling that I know everything about the mental illnesses that I was diagnosed with because I have been dealing with for a long time. I know that I don’t know everything, but I like to think that I do. I’m a very loud activist when it comes to dealing with mental illness because of the way others treated me. I like to keep in tune with how I’m feeling and I’m not shy to express it whether it’s right or wrong. Years of being silent when growing up, overflowed, and now I speak my mind.
I don’t know now if I go overboard. The only time I don’t speak my mind is when the anxiety is so high that I just want to crawl into a tiny ball and hide. When I speak my mind, I do it in a nice way so as not to hurt anybody’s feelings. I kind of say it like it’s a question and not an observation. I do that a lot, question myself. In a way, it’s kind of like putting myself down so nobody else has the chance. I beat them to the punch even though they might have been thinking of something entirely different. Good old anxiety!!
I’m sorry, I was originally talking about Bipolar. Ever since the first few nights when I was taken off of Lithium, I started to have trouble sleeping. And then, it just got worse as the months went by. The mood swings weren’t that bad at first. so I never really paid that much attention to it at the time. But this past couple of months, the disorder reared it’s ugly head. I have mostly been on a high, but this week, I slipped and fell into a depression. I started sleeping a lot more (most of the day). Basically, I didn’t want to deal with it and I didn’t have to because I was asleep. That’s all I think about is for how long will I sleep this time?
I have an appointment to see my doctor on Wednesday. Hopefully she will put me back on my medicine and I can come back to planet Earth instead of having my head in the clouds. I’m trying to write this, but the words aren’t formulating in my brain very easily. I have a thought, but it’s hard to get it to slow down and then it’s gone. I’ve been on mostly high’s since coming off of the medicine. At first I thought, “this is cool”, I’m always in a good mood. Then, my sleep went downhill. In other words, I was hardly sleeping, but I was still full of energy. At the present time, I fall asleep ok, but I only sleep for one to two hours, then I wake up. This goes on the whole night and into late morning, when I finally get out of bed.
If you ever are suffering from these symptoms, let somebody know. Don’t let it go because it just gets worse if you leave it unchecked. In other words, I’m saying don’t let it continue on as long as I did and if you’re doctor takes you off a medicine you think you need, don’t hesitate to speak up. I didn’t and look where I ended up.
If I can touch just one person through this blog, and convince them to seek help when they have some of these feelings, then I will be grateful. In our society today, we think that one little pill is going to fix all of our problems. There is more to it than that. Of course, the drug companies would like you to think that way, so they can line their pockets. Medicine does help but it’s not everything. If you’ve dug yourself into a deep hole, you’re also going to need therapy, as well, to overcome those bad habits that came with digging the hole. One thing I’ve learned throughout the years of therapy, It’s ok to ask for help. It’s not a sign of weakness, but a sign that you’re maturing. And with that note, “You’re Not Alone!!”
Articles
-“What People With Bipolar Disorder Say About How They Think”
https://psychcentral.com/bipolar/how-a-person-with-bipolar-thinks
-“Lingering Myths About Bipolar Disorder”
https://psychcentral.com/bipolar/myths-about-bipolar-disorder-that-boost-stigma
-“Tips And Stragedies To Manage Anxiety And Stress”
Have a good one,
Cindee, One Voice – Unstoppable
“You’re not alone!!”
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