Belonging was so near yet so far away. I never “fit in” with my classmates first grade through high school. My first grade teacher made sure of that by bullying me in front of the class.
I grew up with hardly any friends. As I got older, that sense of not belonging followed me everywhere I went. What friends I had, disappeared after graduation. That feeling of not fitting in followed me like a lonely person.
All I wanted was for someone to love me for who I was even with my mental health concerns. People stayed away like I was the plague. Even my own family felt so distant. Belonging meant never being alone in a crowded room anymore.
“Home is a notion that only nations of the people experiencing homelessness fully appreciate and only the uprooted comprehend.”― Wallace Stegner
What Does it Mean to Belong?
Belong to meaning is different for everyone. Some people want to belong to a specific club. It makes them feel surrounded with like-minded people. Others have a circle of close friends that they hang out with.
Being accepted in a group setting is the feeling of belonging. No one wants to feel alone, because by human nature standards that is detrimental for a long period of time. That’s according to the professionals.
As I grew older, that aloneness (or loneliness) became stronger and it still somewhat exists today. I have no friends, and I am resolved to being alone the rest of my living years.
Belonging means to me having at least one person I can confide in. I don’t need a group, just that one person. Besides, I don’t do well in group settings (although it’s getting better).
The Feeling of Not Belonging
The feeling of not belonging makes you feel obsolete, like your all alone in the world. Right now, I wish I belonged to the vast majority of people who sleep, because I am writing this at 3:30 in the morning. That’s another meaning of belonging.
It’s a lonely existence when you just want to fit in with something…anything. I got kicked off a platform of social media, because they didn’t like my content. They called it spam even though I had a lot of views.
Why didn’t I belong? My content didn’t fit in with their concept of valid information. Basically, they said I didn’t belong. Most of my life I’ve tried to fit in, but there was resistance.
Do you ever feel like your life is slipping away and there’s really nothing you can do to stop it? I find myself forgetting what I was going to do, because there is a relapse in my brain among other issues. I wished I belonged in the group whose brains function properly.
Social isolation and loneliness are widespread problems in the U.S., posing a serious threat to our mental and physical health.
- About 1 in 3 adults in the U.S. report feeling lonely.
- About 1 in 4 U.S. adults report not having social and emotional support.
“Perspective Is Reality”: Why Feeling Seen Matters More Than Intent
One of the kindest reminders we can offer professionals is this:
We may mean to be welcoming, but do students feel welcomed?
We may intend to be supportive, but do they experience support?
Trauma research shows that the brain responds to perception, not intention. A student who feels invisible will live and act as if they are. A young person who experiences adults as unsafe, even when no harm is meant, will respond from that place of felt danger.
That is why daily practice has to move from “I see you” to “You feel seen.”
That is the sweet spot.
Also, that is where trust takes hold.
So, that is where healing can begin.
“Some of us aren’t meant to belong. Some of us have to turn the world upside down and shake the hell out of it until we make our own place in it.”― Elizabeth Lowell
Love and belonging needs
Love and belonging needs, the third level of Maslow’s hierarchy, are the human craving for interpersonal relationships, intimace, and acceptance. These needs involve giving and receiving affection, building trust, and feeling part of groups like family, friends, or communities to avoid loneliness and depression.
Key Components and Examples
- Intimacy and Affection: Forming close, loving, and trusting bonds with romantic partners or close friends.
- Family and Belonging: Feeling accepted and connected within a family unit.
- Social Groups and Community: Being part of larger organizations, such as work teams, religious groups, sports clubs, or online communities.
- Support Networks: Engaging in shared activities that foster mutual support and acceptance.
Importance and Consequences
- Mental Well-being: Fulfillment of these needs leads to higher happiness, self-esteem, and better emotional health.
- Resilience: Strong social connections help individuals cope with stress and adversity.
- Unmet Needs: A lack of love and belonging can lead to severe loneliness, social anxiety, depression, and a reduced sense of purpose.
Meeting Love and Belonging Needs
These needs are met through active engagement in social life, such as strengthening family ties, cultivating friendships, joining groups with shared interests, and fostering romantic relationships.
The Need to Belong Psychology
The need to belong is human nature though it can also drive conformity or self-silencing to fit in. You may lose who you are socially and independently by trying to belong somewhere that maybe isn’t the best fit.
Why It Matters
- Positive Impacts: A strong sense of belonging boosts self-esteem, improves empathy and cooperation, enhances performance, and provides life meaning.
- Negative Impacts: When unmet, it leads to loneliness, depression, higher mortality, stress, and impaired mental/physical health.
- Behavioral Drivers: It motivates people to seek out friends, join groups, engage at work/school, and maintain family bonds.
In essence, the need to belong is a powerful force shaping human behavior, influencing everything from our well-being to our decisions within social contexts like school, work, and relationships.
Understanding that lack of social connection has profound effects on mental and physical health, U.S. Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy, MD, released an advisory on the epidemic of loneliness and isolation.
About half of U.S. adults experience loneliness, which presents a major public health threat that is akin to smoking and obesity.
What happens in the brain?
Recent neuroscience research shows that the brain uses many of the same circuits for social pleasure and social pain as it does for physical rewards and threats.
For example, the brain’s reward system can react just as strongly to social rewards, like recognition or approval, as it does to money.
In the same way, when relationships break down and connections are lost, the hurt we feel can lead to serious negative effects and may register in the brain much like physical pain.
Some neuroscientists even suggest that humans are wired to feel distress when we lack social connection, much as we are wired to feel pain when we are deprived of basic needs like food, water, and shelter.
Sense of belonging theory
Sense of belonging theory says people have a basic need to feel accepted and connected to others.
It motivates how we act and supports our health and happiness, much like needs such as food and sleep. When we do not feel like we belong, it can lead to harmful effects.
Researchers like Baumeister and Leary called this the “need to belong.” Adler also argued that feeling important and included is a main goal in life.
Today, many experts see belonging as shaped by our thoughts, feelings, and actions, plus our environment and the choices we make.
Belonging also grows when people take part in a group and share care and support with each other.
Why is belonging important?
Not belonging anywhere leads to a lonely existence. We thrive on socialism and the sense that we are accepted by like beings. Nobody wants to be the odd man out. It’s a lonely existence and I’m living it.
I could open myself up and join a club, but I’m afraid of rejection. This returns with me in first grade when my teacher physically abused me. I was rejected by my peers till the day I graduated high school.
Belonging helps you grow as a person who needs that encouragement for the growth of life. But constantly searching for it can result in disappointment after disappointment.
Where I live, I feel like I don’t belong. My dad and I live solitary lives. We speak to each other every once in a while, and that’s mostly my fault, because I’m in my room most of the time. Although, I am trying to change that.
“It’s not always enough to go looking for the place we belong. Sometimes we need to make that place.”― Sangu Mandanna
How to achieve sense of belonging
Challenge Your Core Beliefs
According to Talkspace therapist Joanna Filidor, LMFT, people with a weak sense of belonging often have felt that way for most of their lives.
For instance, if you grew up feeling different, you may have formed a core belief like, “I don’t belong.” These beliefs can stick and start to shape how you see yourself and the world.
“As you move through life,” Filidor explained, “your brain looks for proof that supports the belief ‘I don’t belong.’
So even if most of your experiences show that you do fit in, you may focus more on the one moment, like an awkward interaction with a coworker, that makes you feel like you didn’t.”
Practice Unconditional Self-Acceptance
Brené Brown writes that nothing feels lonelier than being with people while still feeling alone. That kind of loneliness can happen even in a crowd, when your head says you should connect, but your heart feels unseen and misunderstood.
Often, that loneliness comes from feeling unworthy. Talkspace therapist Joanna Filidor adds that trauma, a difficult childhood, or unhealthy relationships can weaken self-acceptance and make people depend on outside validation.
Building self-love and unconditional self-acceptance can help you feel worthy on your own, so not belonging hurts less.
Make Room for “And”
Sometimes I used to feel like I fit in with my friends but not my family. Or I feel at home in my job but not in my company culture.
Or I feel connected to the White community but not the Asian community, then other times it flips. I may feel grounded in my marriage but not in the place we live.
Belonging has many layers, so it helps to honor how complex these feelings can be. When you carry identities that seem to clash, Joanna Filidor encourages using “and” instead of “or.”
As she puts it, “We can be one thing and another at the same time, even if those contradict.” Making space for mixed, even conflicting feelings can help you accept yourself more fully.
Prioritize Healing Yourself
I never would have been able to articulate the roots of my loneliness without the help of therapy and other expert resources.
Investing in your own inner work and making your healing journey a priority is critical to achieving a sense of belonging. After all, we can’t change behaviors, relationships, or mindsets that we aren’t aware need changing
It is hard, especially in our increasingly divided world, to feel a sense of belonging. Social media makes it even harder by painting an unrealistic picture that no one else ever feels lonely.
However, it’s completely normal to feel lonely at times. And if that wave of loneliness washes over you, remember that you are loved, you are worthy, and you don’t have to be anyone else but yourself.
“What is belonging?” we ask. She says, “Where loneliness ends.”― Rivers Solomon
Sum It All Up
Years ago, I often what my life would like like in my future. Would I come out of my shell and have many friends to a sense that I belonged? Or would I be stuck in this bubble that I created to protect me, and live a life of loneliness?
Guess I know now what the answer is. It’s daunting to think that after all this time, I skipped out on all the chances I had to actually belong somewhere. I just didn’t see it.
Belonging is a good thing. It’s a sense of camaraderie that is unspoken. A sense of learning the basics of friendships. I’m not there yet, but the wall I built is slowly coming down so I can feel the love of belonging.
Cindee Murphy
“One voice who just wants belonging instead of going through life aimlessly.”
Related Posts
Feeling Lonely(Opens in a new browser tab)
Alleviating Loneliness: Strategies for Coping and Overcoming(Opens in a new browser tab)
Rejection Isn’t Personal, But It Feels Like It(Opens in a new browser tab)
The Silent Cry: Stories of the Depressed and Lonely(Opens in a new browser tab)
Reassurance for the Aging Soul: You Are Not Running Out of Time(Opens in a new browser tab)
Recent Posts
Leave a Reply