Self-Love Is Not Being Selfish

Self-love is not being selfish, but loving the person you have become. I hated myself and the life I was dealt with by having mental illnesses. I did have a promising career being a massage therapist, but that was stripped away with anxiety and panic attacks.

I’m typing this as I house sit for my brother. I look around and can’t stop experiencing envy because he has a family, a successful career, and everything going for him. I look at my life, I’m on Disability and living with my dad.

It’s sometimes hard to feel self-love when you wished you had a different life then the one you were handed. Maintaining self-love is difficult for me, but then again I could not be getting any money and living on the streets.

Self-love is taking a situation, and turning it into something positive about yourself. That may take time, but if you do it many times, you’ll feel the self-love you so deserve.

“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” — Rupi Kaur

What is self-love?

Self-love is being able to love your core being, but not to the extent of being selfish. Then you become egotistical. Loving yourself comes from deep inside you. You believe in your ability to solve problems, and not be pompous about it.

Deep down, you respect the fact that you’re able to love yourself and even return love to someone else. Some may say that self-love is being selfish. You should give love and not internalize it. I disagree with that. It is just as important as giving love.

Some people have problems experiencing self-love because they have never received love. Growing up, I always tried to manipulate people into loving me because I didn’t love myself. I thought I was the scum of the earth. I was in bad shape back then. Things have changed, and I have self-love because of the hardships that shaped it.

It didn’t come to later in my life, but I welcomed it with open arms when it showed up. Ever since then, my day’s aren’t as dark and weary because of the depression. It opened up a whole new life that I cherish.

Love and self-love

Expressing love and feeling self-love can enrich your life to the fullest. Gone are the dark days, and now are filled with sunshine. Like night and day. I believe it is easier to express love to someone when you have love yourself.

Loving yourself may be harder if there are distinct obstacles in the way. For me, it was the depression. It enveloped my whole existence for many years. I despised myself! So, me showing love to someone else was out of the question.

Loving yourself has to start with a deep understanding that if your so far down the rabbit hole, it won’t be easy to climb out. Sometimes it takes years to have any love for yourself. But once you have it, never let go. It is the most beautiful fulfillment to experience.

Why is self-love important?

If you don’t have self-love, how are you supposed to love other people? It is the key to learning how to love. Love begins with you learning to accept you faults, and learning from them. That is how you grow as a person.

During my depression, I was so absorbed in self-pity that I was hurting those that loved me. At the time, I didn’t care. Once I found that spark of love within myself, I made it a point to expand upon it. I was so curious, I wanted to know more about that spark.

Once it flourished, my life turned around into self-love today. Because of that curiousity, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Yes, I’m still dealing with obstacles that are trying to tear at that self-love, but I won’t give it up.

There are days when you might have self-doubt, but remember that spark that started it all. Be curious, and build upon that tiny spark. It leads you to a whole new wonderful life.

Unconditional self-love

When you arrive at unconditional self-love, life is completely amazing. Years ago, I never thought I would be saying that, but today I am. I’m not saying every day is sunshine and roses, but it beat out the depression I was experiencing.

If you turn your thoughts from negative to positive, life is so much simplier. You don’t have this constant cloud hanging over your head drowning out the positive thoughts. Because that is what depression does, it keeps you in that dark spot.

Unconditional self-love is like being on coud nine. It’s euphoria! Some may say that all this kind of talk reflects being bipolar. I must be on a high right now. No, if I was on a high, I’d be ordering many things on Amazon.

This is me experiencing self-love because of all the stuff I’ve been through in the past. I never remotely thought I would ever get to this point, but here I am! So, don’t let anyone take away your sunshine because they think your full of it.

“Be careful how you are talking to yourself because you are listening.” — Lisa Hayes

Self-love affirmations

Self-love affirmations are positive, present-tense statements designed to overcome negative self-talk and boost self-esteem. Repeat these daily in fron of a mirror or incorporate them into a mindful morning or evening routine.

Core self-love affirmations

I am enough. Exactly as I am right now, I am complete.
I deserve the same love and kindness I give to others.
I honor my boundaries. My needs and feelings are important, and it is ok to say no.
I am allowed to grow. Mistakes do not defineme; they are stepping stones for my personal growth.
I choose to speak to myself with compassion. My inner voice is a safe space of encouragement.

Quote of self-love

“Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”— Lucille Ball

This is just one of many quotes about self-love, but I believe wholeheartedly it is true. This is the way it happened for me.

When you love yourself first, obstructions seem to melt away. Your life becomes a lot lighter and more easily to manage. I do meditation to combat my negative thoughts. So, loving yourself can also combat those negative thoughts.

They become weakened and less obtrusive. I’m not saying it will work every single time, but it helps to make life easier to navigate.

Self-love tattoos

My favorite subject…tattoos. I have a tattoo that says “She is a soldier in the war against herself.” It describes the inner war I went through with the depression and anxiety. But I fought (and still fighting through it) with self-love.

I win more against those illnesses because of the fact that I have self-love on my side. I saw that saying and knew I had to get it tattooed on my arm. It reminds me of how far I have come, and that there is so much more to learn about myself.

Self-love practices

There are many practices to utilize in loving oneself, but here are a few:

Self-love journal

If you are a journal lover, have at it. I used to journal everyday years ago, but fell out of practice with it. Journals can reflect your thoughts and misgivings about a particular problem or dilema.

A self-love journal is good to see your progress as you navigate life. It shows how you have grown as a person, and strategies used that helped in the process. The progress is written in plane site, and you should be proud of yourself.

Self-love books

These highly rated books can help you build boundaries, overcome self-criticism, and practice radical self-acceptance:

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown: A classic read on embracing your flaws, letting go of what people think.
Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff: Grounded in research, this book offers step-by-step guidance on how to stop being so hard on yourself and quiet the harsh inner critic.
The Body Is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor: A transformative book that focuses on radical self-love and making peace with your physical self.

Here are more books about self-love.

Meditation and self-love

Like I mentioned earlier, I practice meditation. Not only does it calm my nerves, but it helps me practice loving myself. I take note of the positive things I have done recently, and incorporate that into self-love.

Meditation is a good way to really find the good aspects of yourself, and to apply them in every day life. It helps keep your perspective on life, and “to do onto others as you would have done onto you.” I love that quote because it is so true.

Here are more self-love habits from Healthline.com.

Self-love, self-care, self-worth

Self-love comes from self-care which increases your self-worth. Self-care can be physically or emotionally. Even better, you can also do both. Taking care of myself emotionally is very important to me because of all the years that passed me by with the depression.

Losing a part of your life can affect your self-worth. There is nothing you can do to get that time back, but you can change the time you have in the present and future. Years back, I never felt I was worthy of anyone’s love, let alone self-love.

My attitude has changed drastically within the last few years, although there are some days where I look at life and miss out on the things that could have been. What would my alter ego look like?

Would I be living the life I imagined when I was young. Independent and happy without all the baggage. Sometimes I envy those that had their dreams come true. But, I can’t change the past, so I make do with the present, and try to make the future the best I can.

“If you don’t throw yourself into something, you’ll never know what you could have had.”― Amy Winehouse

Conclusion

The journey to self-love is amazing. It brings a clarity that some people will never experience because they are lost in the world around them. Loving themselves is so far out of reach that they are stuck in a void in time where they don’t know how to self-love.

But those that experience it fulfill absolute power over their life. They can shape their lives into any dream they thought possible. Self-love is not just about loving who you’ve become, but also how you shape your future.

Loving yourself starts with you, of course, but it can expand to loving others. And that is the ultimate place to be in the universe.

Cindee Murphy
“One voice whose journey to self-love was turbulent.”