PTSD: What Happens When You Want to Settle the Score?

PTSD, what does it feel like? It feels like you’re living in a nightmare that you can’t wake up from. Constant visions to torture you. Sounds that nobody wants to hear. Fear that makes you want to just disappear.

What does PTSD stand for? It stands for post traumatic stress disorder. What is the meaning of PTSD? It’s a mental health condition that can develop after someone experiences or witnesses a traumatic event, such as a serious accident, assault, natural disaster, war, or ongoing abuse.

My PTSD started when I was a child, but the symptoms didn’t show up until much later. I was just an innocent child caught up in one persons idea of taking control through violence. I never imagined I would still be dealing with it years later.

Here is a PTSD test to see whether you have PTSD.

“You are not the darkness you endured; you are the light that refused to surrender.” — John Mark Green

Signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Bad Dreams and PTSD

Some people say that bad dreams come with PTSD whether they’re awake or not. While sleeping, bad dreams can manipulate your mind by reliving the trauma over and over.

But, while your awake, you feel like your in a dream in the midst of the trauma. Many of us think that veterans only succumb to PTSD, but that could be further from the truth. Anyone who experiences a life altering trauma can develope it.

The dreams for veterans are so vivid, they have that feeling of dying over and over. It takes a lot of courage to face those demons head on.

PTSD and Memory Problems

PTSD, what it feels like to have memory issues. Some portions of memory may be blocked out, because your mind doesn’t think you can handle the consequences of the trauma. You begin to forget pieces of memory like simple subjects.

Names, places, childhood memories, and so forth. The memories that you want to hold onto simply disappear. Yet, the memories of trauma seem to take over. It’s heartbreaking when you encounter someone, but can’t remember their name.

I’d give anything to get those memories back again. But, you have to learn to deal with what’s left…making new memories.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Anger

Anger is one of the key components in PTSD. It developes with you not being able to maneuver around the trauma. It feels like it has such a strong hold onto you that you can’t break free.

The anger comes from a place of deep descent. The trauma plays over and over in your mind, and you feel there’s no escape. Unless you talk about the trauma, it will continue to plague you.

Therapy is so important to reel yourself back and and take control of your mind before the trauma consumes your life. When you bring it out in the open, it has less impactful on your daily life. I found this to be true.

“Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is ask for help.” — Unknown

Myth About PTSD

Myth: PTSD is just flashbacks and nightmares.

Fact: Symptoms vary. They can include avoidance, emotional numbness, negative beliefs, guilt or shame, irritability, hypervigilance, sleep problems, and physical symptoms. Some people don’t have vivid flashbacks, but still have PTSD.

I’m one of those that don’t have vivid flashbacks. I get this uncanny feeling that the circumstances are not right, like I’ve been down this road before, and it didn’t turn out good.

Myth: If symptoms don’t show up right away, it’s not PTSD.

Fact: Symptoms can appear months later. Delayed onset is recognized in diagnosis.

PTSD symptoms can be delayed for a few key reasons:

Shock and survival mode: Right after a traumatic event, the brain can focus on immediate coping. Stress hormones stay high, which can blunt emotions and memories. Symptoms may surface later when life feels “safer.”
Avoidance works short term: People often avoid thoughts, places, or feelings tied to the event. Avoidance can keep distress low for a while, but it also prevents processing, so symptoms build and appear later.
Memory consolidation: Traumatic memories can be stored in a fragmented way. Over time, triggers or reminders pull pieces together, making intrusive memories and nightmares show up weeks or months later.

Myth: People with PTSD are violent.

Fact: Most people with PTSD are not violent. They’re more likely to struggle with anxiety, avoidance, and mood changes. Most people dealing with PTSD try to avoid situations that would cause anxiety.

The myth about people with PTSD are violent are so untrue. Isolation is a good example of that.

They hide in a so-called safe place that they think the emotional feelings can’t hurt them. Isolation only makes it worse. You withdraw inside yourself, and become a shell of yourself.

Myth: PTSD only affects the mind.

Fact: PTSD impacts the nervous system and body. Common issues include sleep problems, headaches, GI trouble, chronic pain, and fatigue.

All of these symptoms can affect you in a variety of ways. Chronic pain can lead to sleep problems and fatigue. GI (gastrointestinal) trouble can also come from chronic pain. I have GI problems, because of the insurmountable stress I put myself under.

“Triggers are reminders of where you’ve been, not roadblocks to where you’re going.” — Unknown

Myth: PTSD means you’ll have it forever.

Fact: Many people recover or see major relief with treatment like trauma‑focused CBT, EMDR, medications, and peer support.

In the present time, it might be able to afford a therapist, especially if you have no insurance. I don’t see a therapist, because I can’t afford it. So, in essence, I’m not really dealing with it.

But I believe I am masking my PTSD so know one knows. I’m stuck in that isolation phase and don’t know when I’ll come out…if ever.

Myth: PTSD looks the same for everyone.

Fact: Symptom profiles differ. Some feel numb and detached; others feel on edge. Triggers and coping styles vary.

PTSD, what it feels like is different for everyone. I feel like I have functioning PTSD. I’ve surpressed the memories so far down that at one point they will come up in an explosive site. I do go out in public, but only for a certain amount of time.

My fear is that I won’t be able to control it. Or I could be wrong, and it could stay down there forever. I have a subdue indifference about life. There is a certain sadness at times that surrounds my mind, but I intend to fight back.

Stigma of PTSD

PTSD, what it feels like to have stigma hanging over your head. The stigma helps surround the myth about PTSD. Stigma around PTSD shows up in a few common ways:

Stereotypes: People assume PTSD only happens to combat veterans, or that it means someone is violent, unstable, or “broken.” This ignores the many causes and the fact that most people with PTSD are not dangerous.
Minimizing trauma: Comments like “just move on,” “others have it worse,” or “you’re too sensitive” dismiss real symptoms and delay help.
Self-stigma: People feel shame, guilt, or weakness for struggling. They hide symptoms, which can worsen isolation and depression.
Workplace bias: Fear of being seen as unreliable or a liability keeps people from disclosing or seeking accommodations.
Cultural and family beliefs: Some communities view mental health issues as a moral failing or private matter, making support harder to access.
Misunderstanding treatment: Myths that therapy will “reopen wounds” or that PTSD never improves discourage care. Evidence-based therapies often help a lot.

Why it matters:

Stigma reduces help-seeking, increases substance use and isolation, and can prolong symptoms.
Supportive responses and accurate language improve recovery.

There is always stigma in front of a mental illness. It has become better over the years, but it is still there. For those who don’t have PTSD, they will never know the amount of pain it can inflict.

“Name it to tame it. Feel it to heal it.” — Dr. Dan Siegel

Sum It All Up

The myth about PTSD are so generalized for those living with it. There’s no one size fits all. PTSD, what it feels like being at war with your own mind. It’s like a movie that keeps replaying in your head, and you can’t stop it.

My trauma happened when I was a child, and lasted until I graduated high school. It stemmed from bullying from my first grade teacher, and then from my classmates. They learned it from her.

I don’t know if I will ever forgive them, because of the trauma it caused. They say once you forgive the person who caused the trauma that it will resolve itself. I have so much contempt for them, I don’t know if I can forgive.

Yes, I’m still angry, and it was thirty plus years ago. It hurt me so deeply, there might always be an open wound there. I’m not saying I will never forgive, because I can’t predict the future. Right now, it remains an open wound.

Cindee Murphy
“One voice who was needs to overcome PTSD.”

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