Overthinking Disorder

Anxiety disorder is called the overthinking disorder because you make up shit that really isn’t true or you blow something totally out of context. Deep down, I know that nobody is really watching me, my brain likes to think so because that’s part of what fuels the anxiety.To be totally honest with you, I have been (and am still) going through the worst bout of anxiety I have ever felt in a long time. My medicine isn’t helping me, so I’m doing other things to bring my anxiety back down. You know what triggered it was my dad coming home from his vacation last night. I was fine until he got home. We live in the same house, but don’t speak to one another. When he left on Monday, I was really nervous about being by myself. I have a phobia of being left alone. I made peace with that, and I was fine the rest of the week. I didn’t feel like I had anybody constantly watching me (even though I know he isn’t).

Crippling Anxiety

That’s what anxiety can do to you if you just let it build up and up, consequently, not dealing with it. I look at writing these posts as a release of that anxiety, hence, what I’m doing now. Anyway, to get back to my dad. He left for vacation last Monday and came back Friday night. I was calm pretty much the whole time he was gone. Although, I did have anxiety about some one watching the house deciding when to break in. Not if, but when. I had decided already that there was someone out there watching me. I knew that this was false, but the anxiety I was feeling Monday, had decided that already. All I did was locked the door and that seemed to help.

Health, Anxiety Is Ruining My Life

Anyway, I’m so afraid of my dad. He has yelled at me in the recent past for absolutely no reason. I guess that’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t like it when people raise their voices, even if it is not directed towards me. Putting it point blank, I don’t like conflict. I’m always the one to back down in a fight even if I was in the right. That is one of the reasons why I let people walk all over me and not defend myself. That’s probably why I was (and still to some extent) bullied in school and even after I graduated.

I just had a memory coming to me, where I was swinging as hard as I could,, a metal baseball bat at my brother. I remember, I was intent on hurting him. I don’t remember the reason why, but I know that all that pent up anger and being socially abused, just came to the surface. Therefore, for once, I was actually defending myself. After that incident, my nick name was “Biff” even though I didn’t feel very tough.

High Anxiety

I feel like I can’t accomplish anything because of the anxiety. Basically, it stops me from living my life the way I want to live it. It has taken over every part of my life. I can’t do anything, even remotely simple in nature, without the anxiety being there. I guess you could say that it has consumed me. I call it ‘my anxiety’ even though there are other individuals out there that are experiencing the same symptoms. I’ve personalized it even though I absolutely don’t want it to be a part of my life. I never invited it, the anxiety just showed up. Over time, it became stronger and stronger. I just ignored it in the beginning thinking that it would go away, but it didn’t. Pretty soon, it took over my brain, how I think, how I feel. Nothing was mine anymore as it kept consuming more and more. I have no identity any more, it’s all wrapped around my anxiety. My personality, who I am inside, is dormant. I lost it. Ultimately, my thoughts are embedded with the anxiety.

Anxiety Disorder, Self Care

Still, a small part of me refuses to give up. I know I’m out there, somewhere. There is a small piece of me that hasn’t been lost or taken over. I want that piece to come forward. That is the only way I am going to have peace with myself. As I’m typing this, my hands are shaking because I am addressing my anxiety. I really shouldn’t call it ‘my anxiety’ because that just gives it more power over me. I’ll call it ‘the anxiety’. Self care, a couple of hard words to ingest when you’re dealing with anxiety. Along with medication, self care (or self awareness) is very important. It’s one of the hardest things to do when you’re having an anxiety attack, but I promise you that when you’re aware of the attack and you fight back, the attack looses some of it’s power over you. For example, the reason I started typing this post was because I was having a panic attack. I recognized what was happening and I fought back against it ,so it wouldn’t consume my whole day. Within minutes, it diminished. The attack was less powerful because I’m determined to win this battle. It’s not always like that, but the more battles I win just adds fuel to the fire. I’m building up my army one win at a time.

Fighting Against Anxiety

So, how do I go about reclaiming my life back? One piece at a time, even if it is a small piece. I refuse to give up. Nope, not a chance. I have been through and survived too much to give up now. With whatever strength I have left, I will always fight back. The anxiety may have the upper hand right now, but it doesn’t have ALL of me. I will defeat it. It’s just a matter of time. Unfortunately, I have about two decades (give or take a few years) left. Hopefully, it happens way before then, so I can enjoy my life once again. Not being afraid of every move that I make, thinking that I might upset the other person. Or being afraid that everybody is watching me.

Also, you can fight back and take control of your life again. I know I haven’t yet! You can’t give up. You CAN and WILL take back your identity. You must never lose sight of that, or you will be lost forever. Never, ever, give up, no matter how bad it is. Since I started fighting back against the anxiety, my life has improved. I don’t have as many panic attacks, I can spend more than 10 minutes in a store, and I’m not as anxious about driving to places. I know some of you who have give in up on driving, but that’s ok. It’s just one of those things that you have to work on if you really want your life back. Think of driving as a freedom to leave the anxiety checked when you walk through the door.

Overcoming Anxiety

The anxiety has calmed down somewhat because I started this post, I don’t know. I think it’s because I recognized that it was an episode of anxiety (a pretty bad one) and I dealt with it head on. I didn’t run away (like normally), I faced it head on and now I feel pretty good. No more shaking, and I’m breathing normally (not trying to catch my breath). Hey, this feels really good. So, now you know what to do when you are experiencing really bad anxiety, just call it out for what it is, don’t run away. Stand tall and face it! Therefore, the anxiety will have less and less power over you. Turn negative energy into positive energy.

Articles

-“Stress”

https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/additional-disorders/stress

-“Tips And Strageties To Manage Anxiety And Stress”

https://adaa.org/tips

-“What Does A Panic Attack Feel Like? 12 Symptoms”

https://psychcentral.com/anxiety/panic-attack-symptoms

Have a Good One,

Cindee, One Voice – Unstoppable

“You’re not alone!”