ADHD limerence: navigating love and attention in a world of hurt. This is the first time I’ve heard of limerence. But I believe I was the subject on Facebook of someone who was going through this.
He said he had lost his wife and 2 daughters to COVID. We were messaging back and forth for a couple of days until it got creepy.
Basically, he told me he was in love with me and that he wanted to live with me. He also wanted me take care of his son.
I didn’t want to be mean to him, but I blocked him on Messenger because it seemed like he was living in a fantasy world. I have enough problems of my own to then add his. No.
Accordingly, some say that people with ADHD may be more likely to experience limerence, an intense and obsessive feeling of attraction or affection for someone.
Limerence can be similar to love because of the chemicals and hormones released during the experience, but it’s distinct from a crush because the feelings of longing can come and go and persist for years.
Limerence can be linked to ADHD because both conditions are associated with imbalances in neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin, which are linked to motivation and pleasure.
When someone is hyperfixating, they release dopamine and norepinephrine, which can feel good.
During limerence, people hyperfixate on a fantasy of a person or relationship with them, which can flood the brain with dopamine and norepinephrine.
Limerence: Signs of Obsessive Infatuation
- firstly, intrusive thinking about your “limerent object” (LO) often in the form of compulsive daydreaming and replaying memories with the LO
- acute longing for reciprocation
- experiencing emotional ups and downs depending on the LO’s actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation
- fourthly, reading too much into the LOs actions with respect to the probability of reciprocation
- fear of rejection by the LO
- lastly, avoiding or downplaying the LO’s negative attributes
ADHD limerence: navigating love and attention in a world of confusion. Limerence can be distracting and prevent people from seeing their crushes as real people.
If the fantasy doesn’t go as planned, it can also lead to feelings of emptiness or low self-worth.
The Highs and Lows of Limerent Relationships
Limerent relationships are defined by being tumultuous and draining, where there are many highs and lows.
While conflict is to be expected in relationships, too much is a sign of incompatibility.
Generally, mature and healthy intimate relationships bring more peace and wellness, rather than constant episodes of conflict, drama, and confusion.
ADHD limerence: navigating love and attention when the other person doesn’t reciprocate.
Overall, all relationships will encounter struggle, but limerent relationships may thrive on chaos, as opposed to using the conflict to strengthen the bond and deepen the respect for the partner.
The Four Stages of Limerence
Stage 1: The Crush or Initial Attraction
At first, you start to get to know your crush and tell each other personal things.
This is the stage where you may be able to remove yourself from the situation before the feelings become obsessive.
At length, you may feel excited, anxious, energetic, or euphoric. You may find yourself struggling to sleep at night and daydreaming frequently.
At this stage, enjoy the thrill of this new relationship. Get to know the person for who they are, but stay grounded and realistic in your feelings.
Stage 2: Obsession or Full Infatuation
In this phase, you’re all in with the other person. Eventually, attraction builds, and you feel more understood by your lover than anyone else.
However, you don’t see the other person’s flaws or spot their red flags, and you may sacrifice your beliefs and morals for theirs.
You may feel intense longing and frequently fantasize about your future together. You may have heightened sensitivity, anxiety, insecurity, as well as a present fear of rejection.
At this stage, take time to process your emotions. At the same time, remember that your body is having a chemical reaction, and your feelings may not be totally rational.
Consider whether your feelings are based on the reality of this person or on your idea of this person.
Stage 3: Elation and Frustration
The third stage of limerence is a rollercoaster of intense highs and lows. Therefore, the relationship is starting to deteriorate, and the euphoric falling-in-love feelings are wearing off.
ADHD limerence: navigating love and attentionis frustrating. Your partner may be pulling away and you’re desperately trying to get them back.
Also, you’re seeing the other person more clearly and feeling confused and sad about where your perfect person went.
You may feel whiplash from moving between feelings of disappointment and exhilaration.
At length, you might feel angry and resentful while struggling with anxiety, depression, obsessive thoughts, or low self-esteem.
At this stage, focus on yourself and your needs. Practice self-care and spend time on your hobbies and goals
Emphatically, remember that your self-worth isn’t defined by someone else’s interest in or idea of you—if this person isn’t reciprocating your feelings or attention, try to move on.
Stage 4: Resolution
The limerence must come to a resolution: in most cases, the feelings gradually fade away as the passion dies down.
Hence, if you still have feelings, but the other person doesn’t, you must accept that your feelings are not reciprocated and move on.
If you both still have strong feelings and commitment to the relationship, you can turn the relationship into a long-term bond.
Equally, you may feel acceptance of the situation and relief at the freedom of letting go. You might even feel grateful for the experience and the emotional maturity it brought you.
At this stage, reflect on the romantic experience and relationship. Try journaling or using mindfulness techniques to get in touch with your emotions.
Certainly, identify the lessons you’ve learned through the challenges.
What Triggers Limerence?
ADHD limerence: navigating love and attention can be caused by many triggers.
Limerence often lacks a discernable starting point, wrote psychologist Dorothy Tennov, who coined the term in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence.
It does not require sexual attraction, although the person needs to be someone with whom you could at least imagine yourself.
However, at the beginning of a limerent reaction, an individual will often think about the person to whom they’re attracted, and, importantly, doing so will bring them considerable pleasure.
That pleasure is intensified to a feeling of elation or jubilation if there is a hint of reciprocity from the object of their limerence.
Even more, an individual may start to re-play and analyze every interaction they’ve had with the person for signs the other person has feelings for them.
If any are detected, the individual may even feel a boost in self-esteem, that such a person would have interest in them.
This ecstatic and obsessed state is the core of limerence. Although it may end with feelings of sadness, agony, or indifference. The state is one of acute intensity that outranks all other concerns in an individual’s life.
How Long Does Limerence Last?
Consequently, the length of time that limerence lasts can vary quite greatly, usually ranging from a few months to several years.
Indeed, it depends on factors such as how emotionally resilient the individual is, the nature of their relationship with their limerent object as well as other life circumstances.
Equally important, one thing to bear in mind is that when limerence is not reciprocated, the feelings of obsessiveness and possessiveness can persist much longer due to a lack of closure.
Sometimes, receiving a firm rejection can be the best medicine for those experiencing limerence, as it can jump start the healing process.
Signs Limerence Is Ending: Indicators Of Change
ADHD limerence: navigating love and attention has many signs. Realizing that the intensity of limerence is fading can feel like an awakening.
Generally, the constant anxiety surrounding your Limerent Object begins to subside.
Suddenly, you no longer feel like you’re ceasing up every time you’re in their presence; the overwhelming heart pounding sensation start to soften.
Therefore, it’s like emerging from a dense fog where everything in your world revolves around them and only them.
And now, there’s so much more space and capacity in your life to take on more than you’ve been able to in the recent past.
There’s a real sense of reclamation, and the compulsive desire to always be trying to impress and plan a fictitious future fades to black. Hence, this is replaced by a more realistic view of them as a person, not as a means of survival.
Perhaps most noticeably, your feelings towards them transition from deep neediness to one that is more neutral.
Basically, if you’ve been living with limerence for a long time, this transition can feel a bit strange as you adjust to a new way of being.
Realizing that you’re no longer under the grip of limerence may feel weird at first. But it’s simply a shedding of your old skin and the embracing of your new more empowered version of self.
Limerence Relapse Prevention
ADHD limerence: navigating love and attention is a process. While overcoming limerence is a gradual process, it is possible to prevent relapse. Here are some strategies to prevent you from falling back into old limerent patterns:
- Identify early warning signs: Nonetheless, learn to recognize the early signs of limerence, such as an increased interest in the limerent object and a feeling of longing.
- Develop coping mechanisms: Have a plan in place to deal with these early warning signs, such as engaging in relaxation techniques or reaching out to a support system.
- Maintain a strong support system: Notwithstanding, keep in touch with your support network and let them know if you are feeling tempted to relapse.
Overcoming Limerence Treatment: Therapeutic Approaches
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for Limerence: Exploring Cognitive Distortions and Adaptive Strategies
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) aims to identify and challenge the underlying cognitive distortions that contribute to limerence.
Such as idealization of the limerent object and belief that there has to be reciprocation.
Through cognitive restructuring, individuals learn to develop more realistic and balanced thoughts, reducing the intensity of limerent emotions and behaviors.
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) for Limerence: Managing Intrusive Thoughts and Compulsive Behaviors
Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) involves exposing individuals to thoughts, images, or situations related to the limerent object without avoiding or compensating for them.
Therefore, by confronting these triggers people learn to become accustomed to their anxiety and diminish the influence of thoughts and compulsive behaviors.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) for Limerence: Embracing Mindfulness and Living a Values-Driven Life
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) focuses on embracing thoughts and emotions with a non-judgemental approach fostering adaptability and emotional resilience.
ADHD limerence: navigating love and attention can be intimidating. Moreover, individuals are encouraged to prioritize living a life aligned with their values, participating in fulfilling endeavors.
Also, connections beyond the influence of limerence thereby diminishing its control over their existence.
Schema Therapy for Limerence: Addressing Underlying Core Beliefs and Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
Schema therapy explores the underlying core beliefs and past experiences from early life that might play a role in limerence.
Overall, by both recognizing and working with these underlying patterns, people can cultivate a better relationship dynamic.
It also decreases the chances of relapsing back into limerent relationships in the future.
How to Overcome Limerence and Get Your Life Back
1: Recognize the Impact of Limerence.
2: Prioritize Your Well-being.
3: Divert Energy Towards Self-care.
4: Address Underlying Issues.
5: Seek External Support.
6: Manage Triggers.
7: Embrace Self-love and Completeness.
Sum It All Up
ADHD limerence: navigating love and attention is exhausting.
Meanwhile, it can take a lot of personal work, therapy, and self-awareness to counteract the effect of remaining in a relationship built on limerence rather than love.
People must remain true to their values and choose healthy, positive personal and intimate relationships that are good for their well-being.
Also, not marked by drama, adrenaline, and repeated unresolved conflict.
Like the guy from Facebook, he started out sincere, but it took a turn for the worse. He started talking about me living with him and his son.
Mind you, that was only on the second time I talked to him. He was calling me his sweetheart and sending me all kinds of pictures.
Nevertheless, I didn’t know how to tell him that he was making me very uncomfortable, so I just blocked him. I hope he is doing ok. Until next time…
Articles About ADHD Limerence
-When We Hyperfixate on Crushes: Stories of ADHD Limerence
https://www.additudemag.com/limerence-adhd-falling-in-love-quickly
-Decoding Love Bombing In ADHD: Is It Love Or Hyperfixation
-Limerence and ADHD
https://www.bestselfpsych.com/blog/2023/11/20/limerence-and-adhd
Have a Good One,
Cindee Murphy, One Voice In The Vastness Of Emotions
“It was possible she might not have the right feeling after all, that she wasn’t in love, wasn’t in limerence, but was in some unnamed place alone.”― Catherine Lacey, The Answers
“I feel like a person with substance abuse disorder. Like if you leave, I’ll go into withdrawal.”― Lindsay Ellis, Axiom’s End
“A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence.”— Jim Watkins
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