Silent Screams: The Reality of My Anxiety

Silent screams: the reality of my anxiety is very real. I feel like I am screaming, but no one can hear me, so no one is listening. My anxiety is getting the best of me…or is it my depression?

Right now I’m so tired and weak from whatever, I don’t understand what is going on. I have brain fog really bad. So, if I screw any of this up, you know why.

I had a meltdown with my anxiety yesterday. I haven’t been able to handle my money very good lately. It’s pissing me off and then I get anxious and depressed.

It’s a cycle that keeps repeating itself. I try to get out of it, but it’s happened once again. I just want to scream, but nothing comes out.

Anxiety Level

Yesterday, for some ungodly reason, my anxiety level was high. Actually I know why, money situation. Hence, why do I keep repeating it month after month?

I make a conscious effort not to and it happens once again. I’m so sick of this! I’m so sick of feeling tired all the time and having brain fog.

Basically, I’m afraid that that is all my life is going to be is dealing with anxiety. I can’t handle that. Usually, when the weather starts to turn colder, for some reason my anxiety increases.

And now, the Klonopin isn’t starting to work. Therefore, my body is getting used to it. The life of an anxious person.

Although, I sound like I’m complaining, I don’t mean to be. I have other physical ailments that are getting worse each day. Put it this way, my body just aches, period.

Gad DSM 5 Definition of Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Silent screams: the reality of my anxiety is never going away. Gad DSM 5 definition of generalized anxiety disorder is defined as a mental health condition characterized by excessive and persistent anxiety and worry that is difficult to control.

That ‘s for sure. It’s hard to control anxiety period. I never knew my life could be so miserable. I try to do things right and it backfires on me. So what’s the point?

Breaking Down the “I CAN’T REST” Mnemonic for Diagnosing Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Altogether, you can remember the criteria for generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) with the mnemonic “I CAN’T REST.”

Irritability

Concentration is impaired

Anxiety

No control over worry. Debilitating.

Time: at least 6 months.

Restlessness, feeling on edge.

Energy decreased.

Sleep impaired (hard to fall or stay asleep, restless sleep).

Tension in muscles.

Accordingly, to make the formal diagnosis of GAD, you need to have the A, N, and T, plus three or more of the remaining symptoms on more days than not.

So, patients should have excessive anxiety (A) or worry that is difficult to control (N) for at least 6 months (T), with 3 or more of the following additional symptoms: restlessness (R), fatigue (E), difficulty concentrating (C), irritability (I), muscle tension (T), and sleep disturbance (S).

Symptoms of Anxiety

Emotional Symptoms

Silent screams: the reality of my anxiety is that no one hears me. Comparatively, feeling nervous, restless, tense, irritable, or fearful.

The irritability factor was affecting me earlier. I haven’t been getting a restful sleep lately.

Consequently, I wake up tired in the morning. I also wake up several times during the night. The funny thing is it’s always around the same times.

Physical Symptoms

Having a racing heart, sweating, trembling, shaking, cold or clammy hands, or trouble breathing. I have the trouble breathing, even when I’m relaxed.

Last time this happened, I had a blood clot in my lung. They said no this time, so I don’t know what’s going on. My doctor keeps telling me it’s because I’m fat. Nice doctor! I think it’s more than that.

Cognitive Symptoms

Furthermore, having trouble concentrating or making decisions, or having obsessive thoughts. How about making bad decisions, is that in the symptoms?

I’m tired of making one bad decision after another, especially with money. I shouldn’t even have any if this keeps up.

Sleep Symptoms

Having trouble sleeping. Hence, I have trouble falling asleep and then staying asleep. I always wake up around 4 am and sometimes fall back asleep an hour later.

Sometimes, I don’t sleep the whole night. But you can bet sure your ass I sleep the next night. I fall asleep early.

Gastrointestinal Symptoms

Experiencing nausea or abdominal distress. I have enough problems with my stomach because of all the meds I’m on. I’m like a walking pill factory.

Big Pharma ought to love me. Then I was recently diagnosed with diabetes and having anemia. More pills. When will it ever end!

Other Symptoms

Feeling dizzy, weak, or lightheaded, or having a sense of impending danger, panic, or doom.

I was feeling dizzy and weak a few hours ago, but a good nap fixed that. Otherwise, I feel like a different person now. My mood has definitely improved.

I don’t know what happened eartlier, but it was waying heavy on me. I don’t know if you can tell the difference in my writing.

Avoidance

Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety. I definitely avoid triggers of my anxiety by isolating myself. Although, I know it’s wrong to do that.

I still have anxiety in the choices I make (like with money), so I’m not truely getting away from anxiety. It still finds me no matter what I do.

The isolating has lessened the anxiety. I am more at peace than I was beforehand. I still get bouts of anxiety, so I’m truely not completely getting away from it.

Emotional Anxiety

Silent screams: the reality of my anxiety is having a nothing life. Nonetheless, emotional anxiety is what happened to me yesterday.

As I mentioned earlier, I had a total meltdown. How do I explain this? The Klonopin is what keeps me in check.

Therefore, it controls the anxiety, You’re only supposed to take it for 4-6 weeks. It’s not meant for long term. I’ve been on it I think since April or May.

And also, my anxiety gets worse during the winter months. Although, last winter I didn’t have a problem. Anyway, the Klonopin is starting to work against me.

It’s creating more anxiety than helping with it. What do I mean by that? Basically my body is rejecting it. I’ve run into this with other meds.

So, if I stop taking it for say a year, and then go back on it, it will work again for so long and then repeat. Like I’ve said I’ve had this happen with other meds.

Fear of Going Out

I’ve talked a little bit about the isolating and not wanting to go out. I do go to all of my appointments and occassionally to the store.

Although I don’t spend very much time in the store. I don’t do a full length shopping. I get what I need and leave.

When I go to my appointments, I’m a nervous wreck. Moreover, I’m shaking and want it to be over with as soon as possible. Thank God it’s only a 15 minute appointment.

Since the Klonopin isn’t working, I’m more of a nervous wreck. I don’t speak coherently and I shake twice as bad. I might have to go back and take the hydroxyzine again.

Although, I don’t particularly care for it because it doesn’t help completely like the Klonopin.

Anemia and Anxiety

Silent screams: the reality of my anxiety is it is all for nothing. The reason I’m writing about anemia is because I have iron defiency anemia.

I believe that plays a good part in my exhaustion and not sleeping very good.

Overall, my iron is so low that my doctor wanted me to have infusion’s once a week for five weeks. Of course , my insurance said no. He said I will most likely end up in the ER.

I am taking iron meds to try to bring it back up, but we’ll see what happens. It might be too late. I dearly hope the meds work.

Here are the Close Symptoms of Anemia and Anxiety

Likewise, symptoms of anemia and anxiety can be similar, making it difficult to distinguish between the two.

Symptoms of anxiety include fear, worry, racing thoughts, fast heartbeat, fast breathing, difficulty concentrating, and difficulty sleeping.

Symptoms of anemia include anxiety, sweating, lightheadedness, dizziness, or passing out.

Intense Anxiety

Silent screams: the reality of my anxiety is that it’s never going away. My severity of anxiety is getting worse as days go by because of the Klonopin not working.

I don’t know how much more I can isolate myself, not like that’s the answer, but…

I’ve tried using my coping skills, but they don’t seem to have an impact with the intense anxiety. All I can do is sleep and hope to feel better when I wake up, like today.

Obviously, I know that’s not the “correct” answer either, but I’m trying my best. My meltdown yesterday was scary. I haven’t had one of those in a while.

I got this new ice maker and was trying to comprehend the instructions when I flung them on the counter and went to my room. Mind you, I was shaking beforehand.

In brief, I got pissed, said “f*ck it” and literally stomped to my room. I was looking through my emails to get my mind off of what just happened.

I was so flustered for no reason. That was describing it lightly.

Sum It All Up

Silent screams: the reality of my anxiety is it’s all in vain. Yes, the anxiety is getting worse because winter is right around the corner. Obviously, I don’t now why it should matter because I hardly go outside anyway. And I don’t mind it getting darker earlier.

I’m in my room practicully 24/7. Although, I do miss going to work and talking to people, but I can’t work because of the Parkinson”s. That doesn’t make life any easier.

I try to stay positive, but that isn’t always the case. I have my down days just like everyone else. I’m nothing special. I have no magic wand to make it go away.

Although, I do remind myself that all the times I was desperate and tried to take my life, God wouldn’t let me. My purpose became clear in writing to all of you of my trials and tribulations. There is always hope. Until next time…

Articles About Anxiety

-Everything you need to know about anxiety medications

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323666

-Anxiety Disorders

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/anxiety/symptoms-causes/syc-20350961

-Anxiety disorders

https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/anxiety-disorders

Have a Good One,

Cindee Murphy
“One Voice-Silently Failing”

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.”— Anne Lamott

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”— Henry S. Haskins

“Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression… Hence, It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.”— Grenville Kleiser

“To venture causes anxiety, but not to venture is to lose one’s self…. And to venture in the highest is precisely to be conscious of one’s self.”— Søren Kierkegaard