I’m going to talk about one of the illnesses that nobody wants to talk about. Therefore, I am going to be open and honest because I have experienced schizophrenia symptoms first hand. It’s kind of fuzzy, so I don’t recall exactly when I was first “labeled” with the disorder. I’ve had delusions when I lived by myself that a gang was trying to kill me and the police were undercover trying to protect me. I’ve talked about the most recent episode (1 year ago), it was centered around my kitty cat Bree. There are some things that happened in real time that I literally can’t explain such as how he became skin and bones overnight. Everybody thinks I starved him, but that would have taken a year or so (he had no fat on him). I swear that he had always been eating up until that point.
So, sometimes I ask myself “did something other than a delusion happen?” I’ll go more into depth why I ask myself this. Although I told my therapist about what happened and she told me that “I needed to fix my problem,” in other words with medication. I know the gang thing was a delusion, I’ll admit that. But I’m not so sure with my cats. Just for notation, a had to put a cat down in 2020, Grant, because something was literally eating him alive and the vet had never seen anything like it. Before I put him down, he was extremely skittish and he wasn’t before that. I will be referring to these two incidents as examples throughout this post. I just want to say that I haven’t had the “so called symptoms” for quite a few months.
Hallucinations
Hallucinations is a very prominent symptom of schizophrenia. Ok, hallucinations. With the gang incident, for sure I know I was hallucinating. When I had the windows open, I thought I could hear them yelling at me that they were going to kill me. Also, I remember sometimes yelling out the window at the so-called gang. I had hallucinations that they were putting some kind of powder in the ventilation system to kill me. Therefore, I felt like I couldn’t breath. So I taped up pieces of cardboard over the vents, like that was going to keep it out! Sometime later (I don’t remember how long) I came out of it and realized what had happened. I moved after that.
With my cats, is a whole other story. Altogether, Grant had been acting strange for awhile. He became afraid of something or someone that I myself couldn’t see. This all came into perspective when I started having problems with Bree. He also started acting strange. How do I mean strange? They would hide underneath furniture which I never had problems with that before. Basically, they would stare at something that wasn’t there and they were shaking.
Delusions
Delusions is the most experienced symptom of schizophrenia. How do you tell the difference between a delusion and what is real when you have schizophrenia? When you finally come out of a delusion, you just know that it didn’t happen and your memory during that time is vague. Hence, it’s kind of like when you come out of a dream, some parts you remember and you just know it was only a dream. Same thing with a delusion.
What I went through with both cats (mainly Bree), even though some of it is unexplainable, I deeply feel that it did happen ( even the things after Bree passed). In general, I do believe in Heaven and I believe there is a Hell also. They say that animals have a certain perception of things that humans can’t see and I believe that to be true. Emphatically, I would never ever intentionally hurt an animal (like Bree with his weight loss). Some might say that I didn’t know that I wasn’t feeding him during a delusion. I don’t have an explanation for that. In my truest of truths, I wasn’t delusional even though I was experiencing all these things that suggested otherwise. Therefore, just remember sometimes you have to accept the unexplainable.
Lack of Motivation
Lack of motivation is another symptom of schizophrenia. To this day, I still have lack of motivation, but I thinks it’s mostly due to the Parkinson’s Disease that I have. When I was living by myself, I hardly ever cleaned my apartment because I was so wrapped up in the delusions/hallucinations. Concurrently, time just seemed to stand still. I had no clue of what time it was or what day it was. At any rate, I had 3 cats in this tiny apartment and hardly cleaned the litter boxes.
I rarely went outside because I thought the gang would kill me. Consequently, I don’t even think I ate much. If I made something, I didn’t wash the dishes until much later. Subsequently, the apartment was so crammed with boxes that I had one path to walk through. I never even bothered to empty the boxes from when I moved. Because I hardly went out, I barely had any food. But, somehow, I survived.
Slow Movement
One of the symptoms of schizophrenia is slow movement. In particular, I always felt like I was moving in slow motion or the world that I had made was moving in slow motion. Therefore, my movements felt like they were not mine. How to explain that. I just felt out of sink, like I wasn’t coordinated especially when I was walking. Specifically, my perception of timing was off. I guess you could say that I felt like I had no control over my body (or anything else for that matter). It’s kind of weird, but I felt like time was moving ever so slow. The days and especially the nights (because of not sleeping) were so long.
Change in Sleep Patterns
Change in sleep patterns if definitely one of the symptoms of schizophrenia. I would have nights where I didn’t sleep. But than there were some days where I practically slept all day and all night. Therefore, my sleeping patterns were all over the place. I’m still having a hard time sleeping now, but I believe it’s caused by the Parkinson’s disease (movements all day, everyday).
The incident with Bree is a little different. After I put Bree to sleep, my sleep started to be affected. I would fall asleep for an hour and then wake up to what it felt like something attacking me. This happened for about a week. Then, I would see a gigantic, black spider coming down from the ceiling and land on me (I don’t believe this was real, I think I was dreaming). At one point, I was lifted up off the bed and slammed back down on it. Either something doesn’t like me very much or just trying to annoy me. One time, Grant’s urn got tipped over. Now unless there was an earthquake and I didn’t feel it, there is no way it could have been knocked over, especially being bottom heavy.
By now because I know I’ve had the episodes of schizophrenia, I pretty much know when I have them and I can feel when I come out of them. But, with the cats episodes, there are things that can’t be explained and I’m not the only one who has had strange things happen in this house.
Poor Grooming or Hygiene
Poor grooming or hygiene are also up there in the symptoms of schizophrenia. During the episodes, I was only taking a few showers or was dressing a few times. Most of the time I lived in my PJ’s 24/7. Simultaneously, I was so lost in what I thought I was experiencing, nothing else mattered. I rarely combed my hair or brushed my teeth. Hygiene wasn’t high on my list of things to accomplish everyday. At that point, I think I just stopped caring.
Changes in Body Language and Emotions
Changes in body language and emotions are indicative to the symptoms of schizophrenia. When Grant started changing, so did my body language and emotions, especially at work. I started having more and more panic attacks that were preventing me from doing my job. I was unsure of myself. Everyday, like clockwork, I would see an image on the camera’s video screen of something that I believed was evil. It was something I had never seen before when I first saw it. I just got that gut feeling about it. I started to have problems dealing with the public because of the panic attacks. Eventually I lost my job.
I will admit, my emotions were kind of all over the place after that, but I still had a sense of what was right and wrong. Believable and not believable. All throughout this ordeal with Bree, I really felt it was real. Now, I don’t know if you believe in the paranormal, at this point I did. But, I knew if I told anybody about it, no one would believe me because of the schizophrenia label. So, I kept quit until things got unbearable and I told my therapist. She didn’t believe me. So I never mentioned it again…until recently. I’ve been sleeping a lot better because the attacks have stopped.
I know you’re probably thinking ok, the delusional episode is over with then. I truly in my heart until the day that I die believe that the things that happened to my cats were real. Even if you don’t believe me, I believe in myself.
Conclusion
So what do you think, was the last part of Bree’s life hallucinated? I’m curious as to what you think! I think you know by now that I don’t think it was. In sum, there is so much unexplained situations that I haven’t even told you about. My dad witnessed the pathetic stage of Bree being so skinny. I swear to God, I had nothing to do with that. I also felt like there was sometimes a presence when both cats got sick. In reality, I sometimes felt like sometimes someone was watching me. I had seen things moved and heard things that can’t be explained. Emphatically, I truly believe this was not a delusional episode.
I witnessed stuff that was far scarier then a gang chasing after me. In like manner, you might say that my diminished sleep and extra stress could have triggered the episode. With Grant, I could see him changing into this very skittish cat and he was very calm before. With Bree, is when I started to see and hear things. In short, like the presence wanted me to know it was there. And it continued torturing me a year after I put Bree asleep. If I told you everything that has happened, it would become a book. Therefore, I really want your input on this! I know I’m not confused, just very observant. Yes, I have schizophrenia, but I believe I still know what is real and what is not real. Until next time…
Articles About Schizophrenia
-Schizophrenia
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/schizophrenia/symptoms-causes/syc-20354443
-Schizophrenia Symptoms
https://www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/schizophrenia-symptoms
-Helping Someone with Schizophrenia
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/helping-someone-with-schizophrenia.htm
Have a Good One,
Cindee Murphy, One Voice in the Vastness of Emotions
“With mental illness, the trick is to not take your feelings so seriously; you’re zooming in and zooming away from things that go from being too important to being not important at all. So I was watching my thoughts in a detached way. I could zoom in or out to see how they looked without trying to change them.”
— Mark Vonnegut, “Just Like Someone With Mental Illness Only More So”
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