Heartfelt hands: a guide to caring for aging parents. I wasn’t sure whether I should cover this topic because of some of the key phrases that were looked up in Google. Some of them were kind of nasty.
But, I’m a glutten for punishment, so here it is. I’m going to cover both sides of the coin.
I’m very fortunate that my dad is still independent. Aging parents is something we have to face when the time comes to help them in their senior years.
On one hand, do you have them move in with you so you can take care of them? On the other hand do you do the unthinkable and put them in a nursing home?
Either way, it’s stressful on you and your elderly parent(s). Taking care of elderly parents is one of the most important decisions you’ll have to make.
Home Care for Aging Parents
“How can I get paid to care?” These caregivers aren’t asking for a handout, they are simply trying to find a way to make ends meet while dedicating their time to caregiving.
Unfortunately, very few programs pay family members or friends on a regular basis to provide care.
Medicare (government health insurance for people age 65 and older) does not pay for long-term care services, such as in-home care and adult day services.
That’s whether or not such services are provided by a direct care worker or a family member.
Living With Elderly Parents
Living with elderly parents is payback for all those things you did to your parents when you were younger. Just kidding!
You don’t want to put them in a nursing home, but you can’t afford to quit your job to take care of them. So, what do you do?
If they live with you, you could hire a caregiver to take care of them. So, you decide to do that even though that’s not cheap either.
Either of the choices, it will cost a lot of money. And if your the only child, all the burden is on you, but you believe it’s better than putting them in a nursing home.
Parenting Aging Parents
Heartfelt hands: a guide to caring for aging parents. Parenting aging parents…talk about flipping the coin. You feel like you’ve become the parent when dealing with your elderly parents.
Maybe they have alzheimer’s, then you’ve really become the parent. Telling them to get dressed in the morning or eat their dinner.
It’s funny how parenting can become full circle. I am very fortunate that my dad is still very cognitively all there. He can still do things that surprise me and he hasn’t let it stop him.
Maybe the will that they have pushes them further than what you think they can accomplish. I believe my dad has that will.
Taking Care of a Parent With Dementia
Taking care of a parent with dementia is one of the hardest and most frustrating accomplishments (if you accomplish it).
My mother had dementia, but you wouldn’t have suspected it because of her mental illnesses. She was always talking to someone that didn’t exist.
I believe I’m headed in the direction of dementia because people with Parkinson’s disease have a greater chance of getting it. My memory is getting worse.
Anyway, dementia is a disorder that affects a lot of people and impacts their families. My hat goes off to someone who is taking care of a parent with dementia.
It takes a lot of will power and patience to do so. But also, there may come to a point where they just can’t do it anymore. Then they have to make that decision to put them in a nursing home.
Elderly Parent Refuses Assisted Living
What do you do if an elderly parent refuses assisted living thinking they can still do it on their own?
Assisted living is generally better for seniors who are active and healthy and need some help with daily tasks. Assisted living doesn’t mean you give up your freedom.
Nursing homes are better for seniors with advanced medical needs who require full-time care. I worked as a caregiver in both aspects and there is a big difference in having freedom and not.
Sometimes, when the elderly parent refuses assisted living, they think they have to give up everything which couldn’t be further from the truth.
What Not to Say to Elderly Parents?
Heartfelt hands: a guide to caring for aging parents. Here are some things you should avoid saying to your elderly parents:
Criticism
Avoid putting your parents on the defensive by criticizing or judging them. That’s the worst thing you could do to them.
Statements that make them feel inadequate
For example, “You need help” can make your parents feel helpless. Instead, you can say something like “Wouldn’t it be nice to have some extra help with this?”.
Statements that imply they should move to assisted living
Most seniors want to stay in their homes, so statements like “You shouldn’t live alone anymore” can make it difficult to have productive conversations.
Statements that assume they know how to use new technology
Learning new technology can be challenging for anyone, but it can be especially difficult for those with failing eyesight or cognition.
Statements that shame them into trying something
For example, “You could do that if you really tried”. Instead, you can say something like “Let me watch and see where you’re having trouble so we can figure out how this can get done”.
If you’re the primary caregiver to your aging parent, it’s important to find ways to manage your stress.
You can confide in a friend or sibling, talk to a therapist, or join an online support group.
Should Kids Take Care of Elderly Parents?
That is a decision you might have to make in the future. There are some things you have to be willing to give up.
Whether children should take care of their elderly parents depends on state laws, cultural expectations, and many other factors:
State laws
In the US, whether children are obligated to care for their elderly parents varies by state.
Some states have filial responsibility laws that require children to support their parents financially or with healthcare needs.
However, in other states, children are not legally required to care for their elderly parents.
Cultural expectations
There may be cultural expectations to care for aging parents and other relatives. That depends on what country you live in.
Strategic planning
Caregivers are often in their late 40s or 50s, while teens and young adults have more time to prepare for their own finances.
Balancing needs
Caregivers must balance the needs of their parents with their own health and mental well-being. Always have an outlet to talk to someone.
If you let your health and mental health go, you’tr not doing your parent any justice.
Economic burden
Caring for an elderly parent can be expensive, and caregivers may lose hours of paid work. Like I mentioned earlier, sometimes they have to give up their jobs.
Gaps in care
Caregivers may miss important signs of a worsening condition, which can lead to higher costs.
Be well aware of the signs of a parent declining in health and mental health.
Statistic: More than 70% of seniors will need assistance with daily activities as they age. .
Assistance for Aging Parents
Heartfelt hands: a guide to caring for aging parents. There are many resources available to help with aging parents in the U.S., including:
Eldercare Locator
A public service that connects people with local resources for older adults and their caregivers. You can visit the website or call 800-677-1116.
LongTermCare.gov
A website with information about costs, housing, Medicare, Medicaid, and basic needs.
Medicaid
A program that may help cover some costs if you have limited income. You can contact your Medicaid office to learn more about available resources.
PACE program
A program that offers all-inclusive care for older adults in their homes. It’s only available in certain states and the District of Columbia.
Healthfinder.gov
A website from the Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion that can help identify which vaccines and screening tests a loved one may need.
Medicare
A website with information about the federal health insurance system for elders and those with certain disabilities.
Paid family leave laws
Some states offer paid family leave laws that allow caregivers to receive a percentage of their salary while caring for an aging parent.
State Medicaid programs
Some states allow family or friends of people with disabilities to become paid caregivers through a state Medicaid program.
You can also talk to your loved one’s healthcare professional or a geriatric care manager for more information and resources.
Support Groups for Caregivers of Aging Parents
Heartfelt hands: a guide to caring for aging parents. There are many support groups for caregivers of aging parents, including online groups, in-person groups, and other resources:
- Family Caregiver Alliance (FCA): Offers online support groups for family caregivers of people with chronic or disabling conditions, including Alzheimer’s, stroke, and Parkinson’s. FCA also has an interactive tool with links to resources for caregivers in all 50 states.
- The Caregiver Space Community: A Facebook group for caregivers of older loved ones who may be ill or disabled.
- The Well Spouse Association: Offers support to spousal caregivers through in-person group meetings, online forums, Facebook groups, and Reddit forums.
- The Alzheimer’s Association: Offers expert-run virtual groups and online forums for Alzheimer’s caregivers.
- Caregiver Action Network: Has an online forum and a telephone help desk.
- AARP Family Caregivers Discussion Group: A private Facebook group.
Other resources for caregivers include:
National Alliance for Caregiving
Administration for Community Living (ACL)
How do You Survive Caring for Elderly Parents?
Here are some tips for coping with the stress of caring for elderly parents:
- Take care of yourself: Caring for an elderly parent can be physically and emotionally draining, so it’s important to make sure you’re taking care of your own health.
- Get respite: Respite care can help reduce stress and prevent elder abuse. Having someone else care for your parent, even for a few hours each week, can be crucial.
- Ask for help: Enlist family and friends to help share the burden of caring. Don’t think you can handle it on your own. You’re setting yourself up for failure.
- Join a support group: Support groups can provide reassurance that you’re not alone, and offer a space to share, learn, and grow.
- Set boundaries: Setting boundaries can help protect your mental health. Know your limits. If those limits are crossed, have a back-up plan.
- Let your parent take the lead: Don’t let caregiving take over your life. Try to keep your life as much “normal” as you can. In other words , don’t give up everything.
- Ask your parent what they want: Even if your parent is unwell or confused, they may be able to express preferences to you.
- Know your own limitations: Limit your involvement in caregiving. Don’t make it your whole life that you forget how to live.
- Talk to a doctor: If you feel depressed or anxious, talk to a doctor. I hate to say it, if you’re that bad off, meds might be an option (I don’t support Big Pharma).
Putting a Parent in a Nursing Home
Heartfelt hands: a guide to caring for aging parents. Deciding to put a parent in a nursing home is not an easy decision. If you tried being a caregiver and failed, you feel like you let them down.
I know when my mother was put in a nursing home, she just gave up on life and passed away. Not saying that is what is going to happen to you.
There is such a stigma about nursing homes that it’s hard to put your loved one in one. Some peolpe think their elders just sit or lay around and do nothing.
I will admit when I was a caregiver for a man in a nursing home, a lot of that was happening. There is such a shortage of nurses in nursing homes. That’s why.
But not all nursing homes are like that. There are some very good ones out there. You just have to do some research to find one.
Sum It All Up
So, the question at hand: do you become a caregiver to your elder parent or decide to put them in a nursing home?
Many people try the caregiver route without realizing how much work goes into it. Make sure your willing to give up some things (but not everything).
Join support groups with others who are in the same boat as you. That’s one of your outlets. And make sure you have plenty outlets to help you with caregiving.
It can become down right frustrating and you may just want to give up, but do it for the right reasons.
If you can’t handle it physically or emotionally anymore, then maybe it’s time for a nursing home. Peace and always love. Until next time…
Articles About Caring for Elderly Parents
-6 Tips on How to Cope with the Stress of Taking Care of Elderly Parents
https://www.carelink.org/6-tips-on-how-to-cope-with-the-stress-of-taking-care-of-elderly-parents/
-Self Neglect
https://www.dshs.wa.gov/altsa/home-and-community-services/self-neglect
-“Parenting” Your Elderly Parents
https://www.caregiver.org/resource/parenting-your-elderly-parents
Have a Good One,
Cindee Murphy
“One Voice Trying Not To Get Hate Mail”
“Growing old gracefully is a thing of beauty when you have caregivers who love and support you.” – Unknown
“If we want to be respected and honored when we’re older, then we must lay the groundwork by respecting and honoring the elders we meet in our lives today. How we treat them today is the way we’ll be treated later.”-Louise Hay
“What an elder sees sitting; the young can’t see standing.”-Gustave Flaubert
“Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect.”-Chief Seattle
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”-James A. Baldwin
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