Fear of abandonment phobia is the overwhelming but unwarranted fear that people you love will leave you physically and/or emotionally. Theories behind why fear of abandonment occurs include interruptions in the normal development of certain cognitive and emotional capacities, challenges with past relationships, and other problematic social and life experiences.
Although it is not an official phobia, the fear of being left by someone you love is arguably one of the most common and damaging fears. People with a fear of abandonment tend to display behaviors and thought patterns that affect their relationships. Ultimately, these maladaptive coping strategies can result in the very abandonment they dread.
However, autophobia, also called monophobia, isolophobia, or eremophobia, is the specific phobia or a morbid fear or dread of oneself or of being alone, isolated, abandoned, and ignored. This specific phobia is associated with the idea of being alone, often causing severe anxiety. Also, the fear of abandonment phobia may affect how you experience relationships, but understanding where it comes from could be the key to fulfilling connections.
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” — Thomas Edison
Cause Of Fear Of Abandonment
Many theories surround the disorder’s origins. Generally, psychologists attribute fear of abandonment to experiences, beliefs, and concepts we internalized as children. A child who is denied basic, necessary comforts such as physical affection, emotional connection, and safety learns not to trust the permanence of these in adulthood. Examples of contributory experiences might include:
- Abuse
- Abandonment
- Neglect
- Death of a loved one
- Emotional distance of a parent or caregiver
A 2018 study of women who experienced intimate partner violence suggested that childhood sexual abuse increased their likelihood of staying in abusive relationships and dissociating as a coping mechanism — especially when they also had abandonment anxiety.
“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” — Charles Darwin
Symptoms of Fear of Abandonment
In relationships, people with a fear of abandonment phobia tend to:
- Attach quickly—even to unavailable partners or relationships
- Fail to fully commit and have had very few long-term relationships
- Move on quickly just to ensure that you don’t get too attached
- Aim to please
- Engage in unwanted sex (this is common in women)
- Stay in relationships no matter how unhealthy they are
- Struggle with being hard to please and nitpicky
- Have difficulty experiencing emotional intimacy
- Feel insecure and unworthy of love
- Find it hard to trust people
- Are often jealous of everyone you meet
- Experience intense feelings of separation anxiety
- Have feelings of general anxiety and depression
- Tend to overthink things and work hard to figure out hidden meanings
- Are hypersensitive to criticism
- Contain repressed anger and control issues
- Engage in self-blame frequently
Millions of people struggle with fear. In fact, nearly 10% of people in the U.S. have some sort of phobia.
“Once you choose hope, anything’s possible.” — Christopher Reeve
Treatment Of Fear Of Abandonment Phobia
Several types of therapy are available to help manage and reduce abandonment issues such as:
- Cognitive behavioral therapy helps the person replace negative thoughts with positive ones.
- Play therapy uses toys and games that appeal to children in psychotherapy.
- Attachment-based therapy relies on a strong relationship between the therapist and the patient.
- Behavioral therapy helps patients uncover patterns of behavior and their origins through talk therapy.
Some specific types of therapy may be especially helpful for sorting out where your abandonment anxiety comes from and how to cope with it:
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). In DBT, you can learn emotion regulation skills and self-soothing techniques. Also, it’s also a common treatment for BPD.
Emotionally focused therapy (EFT). EFT focuses on helping you identify your attachment style and how it influences the way you relate to others.
Psychodynamic therapy. This approach could helpTrusted Source you manage some personality disorders, including BPD. Psychodynamic therapy may also help you recognize behavior patterns linked to your abandonment anxiety.
Coping With Fear Of Abandonment Phobia
Whatever your current stage of life, it is important to surround yourself with other like-minded individuals. Make a list of your current hobbies, passions, and dreams. Then find others who share your interests. You can learn to overcome your fear of abandonment by identifying the cause of your anxiety, working on your own emotional health, and changing negative patterns of behavior such as:
- Accept your emotions as your responsibility.
- Identify your fear.
- Stop generalizing.
- Practice fact checking.
- Adopt a mindful approach.
- Identify any behaviors that push others away.
- Question the types of relationships you seek.
- Build a network of friends.
- Focus on activities that build your self-esteem.
- Reflect on how abandonment impacts you.
- Ask yourself whether you experienced abandonment in childhood.
- Think about whether you have felt abandoned by a partner.
- Evaluate your self-esteem.
- Ask yourself whether you tend to feel anxious.
- And, as always, seek professional help.
“It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop.” -Confucius
Conclusion
While it is true that not everyone who shares an interest will become a close friend, hobbies and dreams are an excellent stepping stone toward building a solid support network. Working on your passions also helps build self-confidence and the belief that you are strong enough to cope with whatever life throws your way.
The fear of having abandonment phobia can feel very real and very painful, but if people can practice self-compassion, they are more likely to get through those times when they’re triggered. The more individuals can trace these feelings to their roots in their past, the more they can separate these experiences from the present. It takes courage for someone to be willing to see what hurt them and face the primal feelings of abandonment they may have had as children when they had no control over their situation. However, when people are able to face these feelings, they can essentially set themselves free from many of the chains of their past. They can become differentiated adults, who are able to create new stories and new relationships in which they feel safe, seen, soothed, and therefore, secure.
Articles
–
Understanding Fear of Abandonment
-Abandonment Anxiety: How to Understand and Overcome Your Fear
https://psychcentral.com/health/fear-of-abandonment
-What Is Fear of Abandonment, and Can It Be Treated?
https://www.healthline.com/health/fear-of-abandonment
Have a Good One,
Cindee Murphy, One Voice – Unstoppable
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” — Albert Einstein
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