Anxious Attachment Style

Anxious attachment is one of four types of attachment styles that have been associated with your primary bonds as a baby. Therefore, these early relationships you established in childhood with your caregivers may impact how you relate to others in adulthood.

In the world of psychology, this is known as attachment theory. Hence, this theory identifies these four attachment styles:

secure attachment: you are trusting and feel comfortable with intimacy and space
anxious-ambivalent attachment (or anxious attachment): you have a strong desire for intimacy combined with doubts and abandonment anxiety
dismissive-avoidant attachment: (or avoidant attachment) you live with a strong desire for independence and a sense of not needing others
fearful-avoidant attachment (or disorganized attachment): you may face inner conflicts between wanting intimacy and having fear of getting too close

“Learn to light a candle in the darkest moments of someone’s life. Be the light that helps others see; it is what gives life its deepest significance.”― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Signs of Anxious Attachment Style

Because love was not always extended as a kid, people with anxious attachment have a hard time depending on others.

“For some, childhood relationships may have taught them to deeply distrust closeness to others—that those you love and depend upon can be emotionally unpredictable, even abusive,” psychologist Debra Campbell, Ph.D., explains.

Altogether, here are signs of an anxious attachment style:

Insecure in relationships
Clingy or possessive
Scared of rejection
Jealous
Distrusting of others
Overwhelmed by intimacy but long for it
Low or negative view of self

“No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.”― haruki murakami

Possible Triggers for Anxious Attachment Style

For someone with an anxious attachment style, their anxiety may become heightened in intimate relationships. All in all, events that can trigger an adult with an anxious attachment style include:

Entering a new romantic relationship
Stressful life events
Big relationship milestones (e.g., moving in together or getting married)
Conflict in the relationship

Additional factors that can lead to the development of an anxious attachment style in children include:

Your caregiver’s attachment style
Genetic factors, such as having a family history of anxiety
Childhood abuse (especially from a caretaker)
Losing a parent or another caretaker as a child
Life stressors that made your caregiver less available to you when you were young
Lack of support from adults as a child

“Life is to be enjoyed, not endured”― Gordon B. Hinckley

Coping with Anxious Attachment Style

Consequently, if you think your anxious attachment style is affecting your relationships, there are several things you can try to help relieve your worries and feel safer with your partner:

Understand your anxiety: Acknowledging your attachment style and how it’s related to your childhood experiences can help reduce self-blame in relationships. When anxiety about your relationship creeps in, remind yourself this may be an old wound resurfacing. Therefore, try to stay mindful of your triggers and practice checking the facts before you have a reaction.

Communicate with your partner: Let your partner know what triggers your anxiety. Basically, come up with a game plan for navigating conflict and discuss what you both need to create more security in your relationship.

Find ways to self-regulate your emotions: Processing and regulating your emotions with a partner can be an essential element of relationships. But for people with anxious attachment styles, it’s also important to find ways to regulate emotions on your own. At length, this could look like giving yourself some space, listening to music, splashing cold water on your face, practicing deep breathing techniques, or going on a walk.

Nourish your life outside of your relationship: It can be easy to fixate on your intimate relationships when you have an anxious attachment style. But, don’t forget to maintain your non-romantic relationships, too. At this point, this could look like engaging in activities you enjoy without your partner, seeking support from friends, and spending time with your family.

“Follow your heart, listen to your inner voice, stop caring about what others think.”
― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

How to Help Your Anxiously Attached Partner

If you have a partner that has anxious attachment, it might be difficult to know how to best support them while also maintaining your autonomy in the relationship. In addition to seeking your own support, here are some ways to support a partner with anxious attachment:

Identify your own attachment style: It can be helpful to understand how your own attachment style is showing up in the relationship. For example, if you have an avoidant attachment style, you might be extra sensitive to your partner’s need for closeness and have a harder time meeting them halfway.

Practice clear and effective communication: Communicate with your partner in a direct and empathetic manner. For instance, if you can’t text your partner during the work day, communicate that with them clearly. Therefore, avoid being vague about your own boundaries to prevent the possibility of miscommunication. Also, opportunities for your partner to assume the worst about the relationship.

Offer consistency and connection: Establish routines to help you and your partner connect in ways that feel meaningful to both of you. In sum, this could look like having a designated date night, sharing a cup of coffee before work, or texting each other before bed. While connecting consistently won’t necessarily change your partner’s attachment style, it can create a stable foundation where healing can happen for them.

“No amount of regretting can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future.”― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

Conclusion

It’s important to remember that an anxious attachment doesn’t always mean you weren’t loved as a child. In short, it means that you didn’t receive all the emotional response that you needed. Your personality and other life experiences might have also played a role.

Dating with an anxious attachment style can be difficult as their childhood experiences have made it difficult to trust people close to them, including romantic partners. Therefore, it may cause them to become possessive, overly dependent, and clingy toward their partner.

Because attachment styles are developed in response to our infantile understanding of connection, it can be difficult to overcome these instinctual patterns. But it’s definitely possible to heal attachment wounds. With self-awareness and work, these unhealthy behaviors can be overcome.

Articles

-Here’s How To Recognize An Anxious Attachment Style In Your Relationship, According To Experts

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a39399980/anxious-attachment-style/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=arb_ga_whm_md_pmx_hybd_mix_us_20196160291&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAi6uvBhADEiwAWiyRdtgrPQRwRU6x5uHcF69O2Xf8YHKLxESUZMMgWXugXRLgPy80GJTdRRoCe8MQAvD_BwE

-Attachment Style Quiz

https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/quiz?utm_source=google-search&utm_medium=cpc-lead&utm_campaign=21055527827&utm_term=&gc_id=21055527827&h_ad_id=692087860556&utm_content=anxious%20attachment%20style%20test&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAi6uvBhADEiwAWiyRdgzQewfcbTxsHHlX4chXKc1VVjuM1WgG8eBmdDzAUYf5dRL-FV19ChoCA6YQAvD_BwE

-How can you fix an anxious attachment style?

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-to-fix-anxious-attachment-style

Have a Good One,

Cindee Murphy, One Voice – Unstoppable

“Life is about accepting the challenges along the way, choosing to keep moving forward, and savoring the journey.”― Roy T. Bennett, The Light in the Heart

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