Forgiving the Person Who Broke You

Forgiving my first grade teacher for physical torchure and bullying me in front of my peers was the most difficult thing I ever had to do. I buried the memories all these years until they started resurfacing a few years ago. All that pain bottled up and not knowing why. For a long time I was at war with myself. Depression and anxiety was my life.

I didn’t want to play the victim anymore, so I did the wonderful feeling of forgiving her. I don’t condone her actions, but I needed release from the pain it caused. Sometimes at night I still shed a few tears because no child should have to go through that. But forgiving has set me free.

Forgiving someone takes a lot of strength when they have caused you pain. Especially when you’re a child, and you don’t understand the pain or even that it is pain. But forgiveness is the ultimate healer to stop from always carrying around that pain. You don’t necessarily have to forget, but forgiving gives you a sense of peace of mind.

“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got.” — R. Brault

Definition of Forgiveness

The true definition of forgiveness is choosing to let go of resentment toward someone who has done wrong, acted unfairly, caused pain, or hurt you in some way. The key to it is not holding onto the resentment. It will eat you alive. I buried my pain, but it still affected my life from childhood until a few years ago. I just thought I was predisposed to depression, schizophrenia, and anxiety because my mother had mental illnesses.

You need to let the cat out of the bag (so to speak). Don’t hide it and pretend everything is fine. Everything is not fine! Talk to a friend or a therapist because the sooner it comes out, the more you’ll be able to breath a sigh of relief. A heavy burden is lifted off of your shoulders.

Like I said, you don’t have to forget, just talking about it releases good endorphins in your body and your stress level will go down dramatically. My release was so eye-opening, it caught me off guard. I never felt so much freedom in all my life.

Self-Forgiveness

I can’t forget about self-forgiveness. I forgave myself because I blamed myself for all those years of turmoil and self-served behavior. Although, I never knew why I acted out against everything in my life, but I was disgusted with everything and everyone in my life. I had no clue it stemmed from my childhood.

Self-forgiveness is very important if you keep blaming yourself for someone else’s actions or behavior. You are not the one to blame. Blaming yourself only deepens your sadness about what has occured. If you have depression, it brings you further into that rabbit hole, and is difficult to get out of. I fell in head first, and it took me a while to get out of it.

Forgiving yourself won’t happen overnight, but once you start it’s a magical experience. All that weight on your shoulders starts to lessen, and you begin to think positively. Soon the depression lifts, and you find out what a wonderful person you actually are. You appreciate more of others trying to help you with your problems. Life is seen through a different lens than the foggy one you were seeing through before.

Why do I Need to Forgive Others?

If you don’t forgive others, you’ll become a bitter old person whom nobody wants to be around. You can hold grudges your entire life, and never have a single friend in the world. My late teens and early twenties were like that. I wouldn’t let go of a grudge even if it kept smacking me in the face. I felt the world was out to get me. It’s a miserable experience.

Like I mentioned earlier, forgiving releases good feel chemicles in your body that give you a peace of mind and less stress. Don’t you want those feeling’s? Your existence is uplifted to a higher level. I’m not saying that you forgive and forget, but forgiving is the forseeable future of less stress and anxiety.

Now, some people might say that they could never forgive a person because their action or words were so heinous. They’d rather hold the grudge. What happens when those grudges become hatred towards those who did them wrong? You’re just a bitter person who will never learn to change your actions. You’ll go to your grave with no friends, and nobody will be at your funeral.

Opposite of Forgiveness

There is many words for the opposite of forgiveness, but I like the word fortaking. This is frequently defined as to take away or deprive. In other words you want to have the last word. By forgiving them, you’re giving in to their words and actions. If you deprive them of that…you won. That’s a little childish. We need to step up to the plate and be the better human.

Fortaking only makes the situation continue in the wrong direction. It can drag on for years and years. Nothing gets solved, and there will be bitterness and hate between the two people. Reminds me of our used to be next door neighbors years ago. There was a fued between my mom and the other mom. I always felt odd being over at their house. Nothing ever got solved until they moved away.

Don’t fortake (or deprive) the other person of what could be a beautiful friendship. Meet them in the middle if they are willing to. That’s a good start to forgiving someone.

Do You Believe Only God Forgives?

I understand that religion can be a part of forgiveness. As the title says, only God forgives. People have a right to believe that, and some people believe that humans have the capacity to forgive other humans. I believe in God now more than ever, and I talk to him often. Whatever you believe, both are right. I don’t want to get into specific religions because each has its own beliefs.

The point is is whatever your beliefs are, every single one of them is true to you. There is no right or wrong. Many wars have been fought over the right or wrong beliefs, and that’s a shame. Being in disagreement, one should never impose their beliefs on someone else.

Getting back to only God forgives, I do agree with that to a point. Certain circumstances have healed themselves when I’ve pryed to God to help me forgive. But, I’ve also pushed myself to forgive on my own. Take my first grade teacher, I forgave her because I didn’t want to haul that heavy (very heavy) weight of shame around with me anymore. I felt shame because I thought I had done something wrong for her to single me out.

I believe prayer and forgiveness go hand in hand. So, I asked for help in forgiving my teacher. I knew it was going to be difficult, so I prayed for guidance from God, but also pushed myself for my well-being.

So, you can have a belief in either philosophies and not be wrong.

Books About Forgiveness

I just wanted to share some books about forgiveness in case you are a reader.

Several thoughtful books explore the topic of forgiveness. The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu offers guidance on healing and peace. Forgive for Good by Fred Luskin shares practical ways to let go of anger and move forward. The Sunflower by Simon Wiesenthal raises deep moral questions about forgiveness through a powerful real-life story. Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall looks at forgiveness from a Christian perspective and encourages readers to forgive fully and freely

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” — Lewis B. Smedes

How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You

Here is a simple list of steps for forgiving someone who hurt you:

Be honest about the pain.
Admit that what happened hurt you.
Let yourself feel your emotions.
It is okay to feel sad, angry, or disappointed.
Understand what happened.
Think clearly about the situation and how it affected you.
Choose to forgive.
Make a decision to release bitterness and let go of revenge.
Do not confuse forgiveness with approval.
Forgiving someone does not mean what they did was okay.
Set healthy boundaries.
Protect your peace if the person is still unsafe or harmful.
Give yourself time.
Forgiveness is often a process, not a one-time moment.
Ask for support if needed.
Prayer, counseling, or talking to someone wise can help.
Focus on healing.
Put your energy into peace, growth, and moving forward.
Keep choosing forgiveness.
Some pain comes back in waves, and you may need to forgive again.

Forgiveness Meditation

Meditation can help with forgiveness by creating space between your pain and your reaction. When someone hurts you, your mind often replays the event again and again. Meditation helps slow those thoughts down. It gives you a chance to notice your anger, sadness, or resentment without letting those feelings control you.

It also helps you become more aware of what you are carrying inside. As you sit quietly and reflect, you may begin to understand your emotions more clearly. That self-awareness can make it easier to release bitterness instead of holding onto it. Meditation can also calm stress, lower tension, and help your body feel safer, which matters because emotional pain often shows up physically too.

Some forms of meditation, especially ones focused on compassion, can help you soften your heart over time. This does not mean excusing the hurt or pretending it did not matter. It means learning to let go of the emotional weight so you can heal. Forgiveness often begins when your mind becomes calmer, your heart becomes clearer, and your pain no longer feels like the only thing you can see.

How to Forgive Yourself

Basically, you have to let go of the self-conscious hurt you feel for yourself. On the extreme, it may be loathing or feeling worthless with yourself. Whatever has happened, you are still loved. Forgiveness is still within your reach. You just have to reach out and grab it.

My story goes back to playing the victim card. I was always the victim if anything bad happened, and that was mostly untrue. Once I took my actions seriously, life became more fullfilling. The victim in me started to dissimate. I became a much more enjoyable person to be around.

Forgiveness for yourself comes from deep down within yourself. You have to truely have the want and energy to change. Whatever happened in the past may or may be not your fault. Take responsibility for your actions and apologize. Don’t store it in your memory where it can ruminate and turn into self-hatred. You’re not a bad person, you just made a mistake (you’re human).

“Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner!” — Max Lucado

Conclusion

Forgiveness might be one of the most difficult actions to accomplish. The other person may have been wrong, but you have to accept their apology if it’s there. Sometimes the individual doesn’t understand the consequences of their actions, or even that they were hurtful. Then you have to decide if you are going to be forgiving and let things slide. “I forgive you” may be the hardest words to say.

On the other hand, forgiving me is a completely different ballgame. There may be self-hatred towards yourself that goes deep. Talking about it will help immensely. It releases some of that pressure that’s bottled up inside. Depression may have settled in, so you especially need to deal with that before it becomes out of control.

How do we forgive? Through compassion and straight from the heart. No one said it would be easy, but if more people did it, the world wouldn’t be in such a conflict all the time.

Cindee Murphy
“One voice who forgave my teacher even though it happened years ago.”

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