Anxiety Is Anger: The People-Pleasing Pattern That Fuels It

Anxiety is anger looking inward. At least that’s how I felt when the anxiety would ramp up. I don’t consider myself to be a people-pleaser anymore, but I was very much so in the past. I tried to please everyone so they would be my friend. That backfired. I was used as a doormat.

What changed? I got sick of people using me! When I said my first no to someone, it was an awakening of my self-confidence. My days grew brighter, and my personality started to shine once again. I started to come back to life.

Being a people-pleaser sucks the life out of you. You are constantly trying to make others happy, and not what makes you smile. Nobody is truly your friend. They just use you because they can. You don’t make friends that way.

Anxiety is anger says a lot about your situation. The anxiety can cause anger because you feel you can’t control the anxiety, so you implode in anger towards yourself. Sometimes the anger is secretly directed towards those that you try to please. What a roundabout way of living (or not living).

“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die” (Buddhist Proverb).

Is anxiety causing anger issues?

Really look at the anger that you feel, and trace it back to its origin. Is it because the anxiety keeps rearing its ugly head at unsuspecting times. Or, just the fact that you have anxiety. Take a look at how you deal with the anxiety. Do you go and hide in a corner, and hope for the best. That never works out. You have to face the anxiety head on.

One day, I got tired of letting anxiety run my life, so I decided to face it head-on. For example, I realized I’d started feeling scared to drive. I believe it was because I was afraid of other drivers, and how they drove. At first, each day I would sit in the car but not drive. Eventually, I drove around my neighborhood. Then I graduated to driving on regular roads. Although, I still get anxious when someone else is in the car with me.

My anger over the anxiety that was stopping me from driving disappeared once I was used to driving again. I’m also working on staying in stores without having a panic attack. You just have to find that threshold of when enough is enough, and do something about it.

High anxiety and anger

High anxiety makes you lash out at yourself and others. Anxiety is anger. People-pleasers carry around a lot of anxiety that may turn to anger. They are consistently trying to smooth over situations that can’t be, so anger may arise. Trying to please every single person is a high anxiety job.

I got to the breaking point where I couldn’t live like that anymore. It was too exhausting., and I was losing who I wanted to be as a person. I never had a sense of self for a long time. At least not until a few years ago when I got rid of most of the crapy baggage I was lugging around.

Perfectionism also entered into the equation. This is how I thought, “If I was perfect, then people would like me.” I saw it as strength, while others thought to exploit it. It’s kind of funny. While I type this, I’m listening to a song called “I Don’t Belong Here.” Reminds me of years past and how I felt with anxiety which is anger.

Anxiety and anger symptoms

Sometimes anxiety and anger feel like twins to me, because they both switch on the body’s fight-or-flight response. When that alarm goes off, adrenaline and cortisol rush in, and my body reacts fast.

I notice the same physical signs in both, a racing heart, tense muscles, chest pressure, headaches, and sweaty palms. On the inside, it can look like irritability and restlessness, and sometimes it even turns into rage. That’s why the idea that anxiety is anger doesn’t feel far-fetched, it can all come from the same stress surge.

Key Overlapping Symptoms

Physiological: When stress hits, my body often reacts first, with a racing heart, higher blood pressure, and quick, shallow breaths. I also notice tight muscles, headaches, and stomach trouble that won’t let up.

Cognitive/Emotional: In my head, it can look like trouble focusing, feeling on edge, and worrying on repeat. Then irritability shows up, along with spiraling thoughts, like catastrophizing and assuming the worst.

Behavioral: On the outside, I might snap at people or make a big deal out of small annoyances. And with kids, it can come out as defiance, pushing limits, or acting out.

“For every minute you remain angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness” — Ralph Waldo Emerson.

How They Interact

When anxiety turns into anger

When my anxiety runs on for too long, my patience gets thin. Then the worry starts to feel like pressure in my body, and anger shows up as irritability that grows fast.

Anger as protection

At times, anxiety makes me feel cornered or unsafe, even if nothing is actually happening. So my brain reaches for anger because it feels stronger, and for a moment, it gives me a sense of control.

“Anger attacks”

Sometimes the outbursts hit hard and don’t match the moment, almost like a panic attack but made of rage. In my experience, those “anger attacks” can tie back to anxiety, and sometimes depression, sitting under the surface.

Anxiety and anger bursts

People-pleasers often have anxiety with anger bursts when the direction of the action goes south. You can try to please someone to no end, and first you feel the anxiety. You become anxious, and may have a panic attack. After the attack, bursts of anger may decide to show up.

Anxiety is anger bursts that come out when you’ve lost control of a situation that was never truly under your control. You lash out because the anxiety is in the driver’s seat. It’s leading you down a path of destruction in emotional responses. Your only alternative is to fight the anxiety. Don’t let it win.

Bursts of anger doesn’t help the situation. You’re frustrated with yourself, not the people around you. Also, stop the people-pleasing. It only makes you look like an easy target for someone to bully, and get away with it. I should know, I was doing that most of my life.

My bursts of anger was mainly directed at myself (sometimes others). I was letting the anxiety ruin my life, so I would act out. I hated myself so much, I tried to harm myself many times. So, I was in and out of the hospital until I hit rock bottom, and finally decided the only way to regain control was to fight all the demons inside of me. Look at me now!

Realted Post: Echoes of Anguish: The Battle Between Depression and Anger(Opens in a new browser tab)

Comparing anger and anxiety attacks

Sometimes my anxiety attacks start after a surge of anger I can’t seem to control. Other times, it’s like my nervous system flips a switch and my body goes on high alert. Where does the anger come from? Maybe you’re just fed up being the dormat trying to please everyone.

My anger stemmed from years of being bullied, thus the trying to please everyone. I figured if I did everything they wanted, they would like me. It didn’t work out that way. I didn’t like me. So, the anxiety attacks started because I felt I was failing my life. I didn’t know who I truly was because my life always centered around what other people thought of me. I spent most of my life not understanding what I wanted out of life. Yet, I still get anxiety attacks here and there, but I’m no longer angry at myself.

When you realize all that anger and anxiety attacks are from you fighting yourself, the attacks diminish and the anger turns to love for yourself. When you practice real self-love, the parts of you you’re growing into finally fit, and life starts to feel steady and safe. Until then, you’ll just continue riding the hamster wheel to a person who tries to please others, and not go after what you want out of life.

Is there a correlation between social anxiety and anger issues?

Anger can lead to social anxiety. You lose your ability to constructively communicate with people, and so you begin to hide yourself. I believe panic attacks play a role also, since you can’t control what your body does. I mean, you can control it, but it takes certain techniques to bring you quickly out of the attack.

You start not showing up to life events, which can lead to isolating yourself. You isolate to shield yourself from people seeing your flaws. This can turn into anger, either at yourself, or family. The anger builds momentum as days turns into weeks and months. Unless you do something about it, it will destroy you. You’ll get your isolation because nobody wants to be around you.

If your angry at yourself, talk to someone about it. Tell them why you isolate, and that the anger is eating you up inside. Just admitting it releases a huge weight off your shoulders. Then, you can slowly start working towards becoming who you invisioned yourself to be. You’re like a flower in the spring waiting to sprout up.

“Worry is like a rocking chair: It gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere” — Erma Bombeck.

How to control your anger and anxiety

Admitting that you have issues

First things first, realizing and saying “I have anxiety and anger issues” is a huge step, especially for a people-pleaser. You never want to admit what your life has become. I learned this lesson a few years ago. The anxiety and anger was all I was anymore. I wouldn’t allow anything else show through. I’m not saying I’m perfect because sometimes I revert back to the old days. Then, I stop and say “I don’t like this,” and reach out to someone about what is happening.

If you nip it in the butt, it’s has less power over you. The anger isn’t as strong because you don’t give it the power. Less power = more control over emotions.

The anxiety quiets down. For some people, it doesn’t completely disappear (like me), but it’s a work in progress. You can’t wave a magic wand and it disappears. It takes time, especially if it’s deeply embedded in you. I’m still dealing with it, but I have more control over the anxiety than I did a few years ago.

Techniques for anxiety

Move Your Body

When big feelings hit, my brain and body usually want to do something right away. That rush can feel intense, like I can’t sit still, even if I want to.

When stress gets huge and we feel overwhelmed, the body can slip into the fight, flight, or freeze response. It’s like your system thinks there’s a tiger nearby, so you either try to fight, run, or go still and hope you won’t be noticed.

In that moment, blood pushes into your arms and legs, your heart beats faster, and your digestion slows down. Your body is getting ready to move. So sometimes the kindest thing you can do is follow that signal, then take a brisk walk, go for a run, or do any vigorous exercise that helps release that built-up energy.

Build a Mental Health First Aid Kit

When my feelings start to spike, I do better with something I can reach for. A small mental health first aid kit helps me ride out emotional distress without making it worse. Keep it simple and portable, something that fits in a glove box, desk drawer, purse, or backpack.

I like to pack items that pull me back into my senses, because grounding works faster than trying to think my way out of panic.

Smell

Start with a scent that feels safe. A tiny vial of perfume or an essential oil can calm your body in seconds. In addition, a travel candle, a small tin of coffee beans or loose tea, or a scented lotion can bring up good memories and soften the edge.

Taste

Next, add something you can take slowly. Mints, gum, and hard candy are easy to stash and easy to use. Even popping candy can help, because it keeps your attention on one small moment.

Touch

For touch, I reach for texture. Fidget toys, putty, or a scrap of soft fabric like satin or velvet can steady shaky hands. If you don’t have tools nearby, rubbing your arms, massaging your temples, or holding a heat or cold pack can also help.

Sight

With sight, keep a few things that remind you life is bigger than this feeling. Photos of places you love can bring your breath down. Also, a comforting quote, a short mantra, or a list of favorite TV shows, movies, or funny clips can give you something gentle to focus on.

Sound

Finally, plan for sound. Playlists can shift a mood when words won’t. Try feel-good songs, nature sounds, upbeat instrumentals, or a favorite stand-up set for a quick reset. If you play an instrument, that can be a strong outlet when you feel overwhelmed.

“Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you” — Anne Lamott.

Conclusion

Anger, anxiety, and irritability are signs of people-pleaser’s who don’t understand why they have these emotions. Anxiety is anger. Anxiety can leave you feeling bitter towards yourself or others. I was always snapping at everyone, and the anxiety was unbearable. I was on high speed most days until I was put on a medication to bring it down a few notches.

With the anxiety and anger, first you have to admit that you have these feelings. Secondly, you need to realize why (people-pleasing). Finally, you need to collectively and diligently work on them. It won’t get fixed overnight, but gradually you’ll see a change in your demeanor. And it’s a beautiful thing!

I realized just how much of my life was consumed with anxiety and anger. Half of my life was washed away from these emotions. But the years ahead look brighter than the years past. I still somewhat have anxiety, but I’m no longer angry at myself or anyone else. I’ve made peace with myself.

Cindee Murphy
“One voice whose anxiety turned to inward anger.”